"because they are defiant towards me." his eyes smiled, but his undertones didn't. the conversation turned, as it usually does, from lighthearted to serious in less than 60 seconds.
"how so?" with my hand on my hip, i all but rolled my eyes at his accusation.
"they are always asking 'oh is BOBBY gonna be there?' and 'oh well i don't want it to be a COUPLE thing'" he was on defense, justifying his remarks with information that, although was correct, was also being twisted into something worse than what it actually was. i offered an explanation even though i didn't even need to.
"hey, i would be the same way if i were single.. i would not want to be surrounded by couples on a camping trip. you have to be understanding baby."
"i don't want to be the only one who is understanding."
"you're not. i'm understanding too."
the argument continued, escalated and deflated without a resolution until we broke our silence with harsh truths about smoothering and giving space and wording things in a way that isn't so accusatory. and when all was said and done, we were still ok. i still surprise myself sometimes. although its been close to a year with bobby, i can remember the person i was two, three, four years ago... (in true cliche form) as if it were yesterday. i allowed my voice to be unheard, not because others drowned me out, but because i never spoke up. too quiet, too shy. i had been rejected for such reasons, on more than one occasion. it was one of my character flaws. in a naturally peacemaker way, i wanted to subdue any conflict and if that meant not speaking my opinion... than so be it. i justified my unobtrusiveness by reasoning that i could see conflict from both sides - which is true - but i'd always side with the other side, if you will.
after years of failed attempts at relationships, i realized that i was depriving myself of my own worth. it wasn't the guys that made me feel unworthy.. it was myself. yeah, i had self esteem. it was great even. but i never acted upon it. i was a self proclaimed martyr. the victim of "pisgah" boys and commitment phobic boys who didn't know what they wanted -- and while all that may be true, if i had just spoken up. just called them out on what they were doing, how they were treating me, a lot of heartache could have been saved. but i'm not one to have regrets. i've learned from these mistakes. and now... i just see how much i've changed.
maybe it shouldn't still make me feel proud of myself for speaking up and saying exactly what's on my mind... but it does. you can't forget the person you once were, and maybe every now and then you need to pat yourself on the back for the positive changes you've made. and so, in my completely unnecessary reference to 2003 yearbook quotes, for every wrong, there is a right. the arguments and misunderstandings, whatever you choose to call them, don't scare me. they actually make me love him more. i'm not afraid of causing conflict anymore, although i still consider myself a peacemaker. i just know that we'll get through anything by just being honest to each other and most importantly to ourselves.
