still falling, breathless and on again

there are countless things i could analyze tonight.. where to begin? i'm still insecure. i still care what other people think about me. will that ever change? deductive reasoning brought me to these conclusions. it all boils down to insecurity. why would i get upset that someone said "does tamara comment on your facebook about everything you guys do?" - that makes me feel dumb. needy. clingy. insecure. it doesn't help that his response is, "i didn't know what to say so all i said was 'she really likes facebook'" - that makes me feel even dumber. needier. clingier. more insecure. because now not only does said person think i'm all those aforementioned things, but my very own boyfriend does too. my mind spirals down into condescending thoughts about myself and i feel the freaking right* to say something.

*ah, the right. which stems from all those years when i made myself feel "wrong" for letting things bother me. when i would accept blame for things that were anything but my fault.

so i speak up. and he shuts down. "i'm not even going to argue about this." he grabs keys, ready to get out, pronto. before she gets mad. before she blows things out of proportion. before he has to deal with me. his intentions were honest, he didn't want to fight about something that was not meant to start an argument. but it hurt my feelings. the comment. the aftermath of trying to avoid talking about my hurt feelings. the quick sorry and out the door before the (pardon me, i am ignorant) shit hits the fan. i just wanted to solve a problem.

have i, in my liberation from self-worthlessness and self blaming tendencies, swung too far on the opposite side? he says i say things without considering his feelings. i tell him how i feel, no matter how it makes him feel. how do you deal with that? how does anyone win. its a lose lose situation. i don't say anything, my feelings are hurt. i do say something, his feelings are hurt. i never intend to hurt his feelings. it is never my intention to say things out of spite or use harsh words or do anything to bring him down. i simply feel the need to express how i feel, let him know what hurt me, so that we are both aware and can try to not let a similar situation happen again. it seems like such a good intention.. and yet, at times, he shines a light on the other side. how does it make him feel. with all the sugar poured on it, the words still resonate with bitterness. i wish it wasn't so, but i see how they do.

so do i bite my tongue? do i force myself to fall back into a more neutral spot on the spectrum of speaking my mind? do i let more of the little things slide? my questions are an endless tangled mess, fighting to be answered... admitting defeat with every fight that ends in tears and apologies and promises to do better.

my insecurities cause these questions. as much as i've grown and changed, i still have them. they are a part of life, and will always be. what matters is how you react to them... and obviously, that's something that i'm working on and will continue to work on. at least i know he'll be by my side no matter what.