humble, but you're greedy

they are trying to make me grow up. be independent. pay bills. their bills. which are really my bills. i couldn't handle a credit card of my own -- since i obviously can't handle theirs. on my trip to boston my mom offered me her brand new credit card. i took it, "for emergencies".. ya know... fashion ones. now i would understand if we were poor. but we're not. my parents have enough money to get along just fine and then some. and i can't help it if i like to help myself to that and then some part. but apparently vise sends bills in the mail with every purchase made and so, store by store, a list of transactions i acquired in boston.... and back home.... has totaled up to around 400 or so. give or take. i feel like a failure. i feel broke and unable to handle finances. and although i know my parents are only trying to make me understand that i can't just rely on them for everything.... i still want to know why i can't rely on them for everything? i'm still living with them! i should reap the benefits of that. but alas... i don't. all i get in shelter, a car, and some food here and there. and i do realize i'm being ridiculous by saying this but... it just frustrates me so much to be in debt (even though they aren't keeping track..) i just wanted to stop owing money so i can save up my own. and that's why i'm in debt in the first place!! it goes like this. i don't have enough money for something. i borrow their money with every intention of paying them back. but as i'm paying them back, it means i don't have money for something else, and then i borrow more money... and la de da it goes on and on... until i'm accumulated lots of debt that i can't get out of. at least its just my parents and not an actual credit card agency. because that would not be good. at all. and its still not good right now.. so... ugh.............. #$%%$&^%^&%tjdfsklfjW#$%^ERGjsdfocighjw ;5l %$T:VGREW %W# $

you make it easier when life gets hard

its just one of those things that makes me want to go hide in a corner. showing people my art. it's thrilling and scary at the same time. because i want to get that approval, that "job well done", i need that acceptance of my creativity. sure i get it on the occasional project. here and there. but when i do, it doesn't boost my confidence. it makes me scared that the next thing i do won't be as good. that i've reached my peek and that one project was the last good thing i'll ever do. i do realize this is being slightly overly dramatic, but hello, have you checked out the name of this blog? exactly.

so, though i have tough skin, i hate criticism. i loath showing my dad any project i've done, for fear of his inevitable "but" -- you know, "looks good kiddo... but.... you could change this.." i don't want to know what could be better. i want acceptance. i want good job. PERIOD. and on the other hand, i hate fake reactions. i hate when people see something you've done and get that fake plastered on smile. "oh, that's.. really... good.." now imagine all that pressure, to make something perfect and aesthetic.... and he wonders why i've put off making him anything. HMMMM.

well i guess its my own insecurity. i need to work on confidence in my art. cause goodness knows i have confidence in myself. but art is seriously liking pouring your heart out onto a canvas (or computer.. haha) and allowing the world to see you through your art. and if its hideous... then what? if people hate it, it makes you feel like they think you aren't good enough or talented enough or something enough. it's hard but i guess that's what i've got to deal with being an artiste. ha. yeah. 

Lucky to have been where I have been

Boston. 

"This feels weird." I kid you not, those were the first words out of my mouth after kissing and embracing my boyfriend in the airport as I approached the baggage claim. 

"What do you mean?" He sounded concerned. Who wouldn't though? Weird has a negative connotation to it in general. I didn't mean anything negative by it though. I meant, I wasn't expecting the feeling that I felt... unexpected and new, like a first. But it wasn't a first. It was my second time in Boston and I had had numerous kisses and hugs before from him. 

I guess what it was, was that I wasn't bracing myself for such intimacy. I knew I was visiting my boyfriend, who I missed and couldn't wait to see. But for some reason, I forgot about how it felt to kiss him. To hold his hand in mine. To be by his side and be completely comfortable. So when I saw him and he immediately gave me a kiss, it took me by surprise -- like a first kiss. When you don't know how it feels, or what to do with your tongue, or which way to turn your head. I was taken off guard and the instant thought associated with it was "weird". True, it might not have been the best word to use... but I explained myself and continued on with our disgusting PDA that lasted all week and a half. 

I can't recall each moment down to exact detail (what a suprock! are you shartled?).. however, I can tell you, in bullet form, the events that happened and some interesting* details about each. 

-- Blue Man Group --> First of all. They scare me. Their blue faces and wide-opened eyes. However, the show was very good. It was weird (and I'm using this word in the right context this time), and very artistic/abstract/outside the box. All three of the blue men got off stage at one point, trying to find someone to go up with them (even though it was so obvious that they had already picked someone ahead of time, and she pretended to be surprised and did a horrible job of it).. in their search, they stopped right next to Bobby and me. I looked away in fear because I was scared if I stared directly in their eyes they'd attack me. They noticed that I wouldn't look them in the eyes and starting staring at me even more and got closer and closer just looking at me. Nervous laughs and blushing ensued. They got bored and walked away, choosing the other girl who was boring and no fun on stage. I would have been more fun. Although I might have cried.  

-- Six Flags --> We went on a slightly chilly day, in the middle of the week, so that meant--no lines! We rode roller coasters and enjoyed ourselves. Lots of unashamed PDA and pictures. 4 hours later we were tuckered out so we headed back home. We decided we were going to stop in Framingham to eat at Olive Garden and possibly go to the new mall. "Ya know what I just realized," Bobby said to me in the car. "Melinda lives in this town." FUN. We joked around about calling her and meeting up. The final decision was an almost laughable, hell no. But what should happen merely seconds later? Melinda texts Bobby. He mentions we are close by (way to go hunny), she suggests meeting up, Bobby flips out. Really? I get pissed that he flips out. I tell him my reasons for being so upset. The whole "softspot" concept. If you don't know what that is, ask me, I'll share. But not now. Anyways, I tell him like it is.. he gets upset but handles it fine. We talk about it. Work through it. Eat at Olive Garden and end up going to the...

-- Natick Mall --> It was a shoppers heaven. New, huge, beautiful, full of high end stores and stores for regular people too. We walked into Tiffany's (I had never been in one before) and looked at all the jewelry that was so expensive it wasn't even priced. The sales lady insisted on having me try on a ring. I declined. I didn't want to put Bobby in an awkward position. I was trying to be considerate. But the lady kept on insisting and finally I was helpless to resist her offers. I tried on a $10 grand square-cut diamond engagement ring, and fell in love. It was beautiful. I found out my ring size is probably 5 1/2 -- which makes me feel alot better about my fat fingers no longer being fat! After that I got a few things at Express and miraculously found my "J'aime de Soleil" bathing suit at Victoria's Secret! Needless to say, it was one of the best mall experiences, ever.  

----

So I'm boring myself and I'm the one who's WRITING this. That's a good time to stop, right? I'll end on this note... there were a few motorcycles rides, many mornings of Dunkin' Donuts bagels and cream cheese, late nights, 9:30 mornings, walks on the beach, celtics games on tv and so much more.  The End.

*subject to change with different opinions and/or definitions of the word interesting.