you. you were a friend. you were a friend of mine, i let you spend the night. you see it was my fault. of course it was mine. "i'm too hard at work." have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life? i'm sorry for wasting your time.
who am i to say this situation isn't great? when its my job to make the most of it. of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy.
hey, what's that you say? you're not blaming me for anything. well that's great but i don't break that easy. does it fade away? so that's why i'm apologizing now, for telling you i thought that we could make it. i just don't get enough to believe that. we've both changed.
see who am i to say this situation isn't great? it is my time to make the most of it, of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy. if all along the fault is up for grabs, why can't you have it? if its for sale, what is your offer? i will sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely nothing.
neither one of us deserves the blame, because opportunities moved us away. its not an easy thing to learn to play a game thats made for two. thats you and me. the rules remain a mystery. see i was easy.
so who am i to say this situation isn't great? well its our time to make the most of it, how could we ever know that this would happen to me. not that easy. when all along the fault is up for grabs, and there you have it. well its for sale, go make your offer. well i sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely zero.
to me, that summed it up. in one beautifully heartbreaking hopeful song. a memory flashed in my head. cracker barrel. a decision. his eyes looked for acceptance... a simple "yes" would seal the deal. would we still talk over the summer? and when i say talk, let it be known that the term "talk" is synonymous with "date" - not to be confused with "exclusively". it was "talking" with the intentions of getting into a relationship later on.
i knew it was coming. this decision. i hadn't expected to meet a guy that was interested in me as much as i was interested in him, within the last 2 weeks of school. i hadn't expected to get to know him so fast. to feel so close to a new acquaintance in such a short amount of time. but i did. and now i was at a fork in the road, summer, and he was asking a very important question. was this the end? or the beginning?
although, i don't think he saw it that way at all. i can't say for sure because i still don't understand him. but he was not the type of guy who think things through. he lived for the thrill of the moment, not stopping to think of the consequences. but i didn't realize that until everything fell apart. he was stuck in the moment, and anxiously awaited my decision.
i've been here before. i thought to myself. summers don't work for me. they never have.
all of sudden, driving in my car, thinking about this memory, i got horribly mad. my blood boiled with the idea that, like every other guy that knew about my past history with summers and jerks, he did the same thing that they did. he knew i was scared about summers. he knew i had been rejected not once, not twice, but three times before -- all of which were during the summer. he knew all of this. and yet he sat there eagerly awaiting the words "yes" so that... what? so that he could do the same thing as every other guy.
how could i have let myself say yes? i knew summers never worked for me. how could i have trusted him? i started kicking myself for letting it happen. for saying yes. but then, i remembered the rest of my thought process. but who's to say this summer will be the same? what if its different?
what if's -- they'll getcha. and just like that, i remembered something that i had temporarily forgotten in my fit of remembrance rage; love is a risk. i thought about it some more and changed the outcome in my head. had i said "no", i would have always wondered "what if" and it would have driven me crazy. i would have blamed myself for ruining something that could have been great.
so really, who am i to say this situation isn't great? i identified with the song 100% and realized that i never have to wonder "what if" because i already know. if i said "yes" it ends. if i said "no" it ends. and somehow that is a very comforting thought.
i found myself at a similiar crossroad just a few months back. except i had been dating bobby for 6 months and we had no intentions of breaking up... ever. our relationship was (and is still) secure. yet, my fear of summer's finalization of anything remotely related to a relationship made me insecure. but there was never a decision that needed to be made with us. we had already made that decision a long time ago. we were together. for good. no summer would tear us apart, however difficult it may be to be so far apart distance wise. and although a few times i felt my barriers building up, i just as quickly broke them down because i knew... love is a risk. in every sense.
there is one more month left of summer and i don't feel like its been summer at all. see, i've always associated said season with feelings of loneliness and longing and confusion and anger and inner turmoil. my love life was always a roller coaster that i loved and hated and just couldn't seem to get off of. but this summer all i've felt is consistency, security, happiness, love. of course i miss him like nothing else, but, as cheesy as it sounds, he's just as close to me now 1,000 miles away as he is in person, because he is and will always be in my heart.
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