falling slowly, eyes that know me

yes, those are my awesomely 80's legging/socks - the multi-colored stripped ones, courtesy of Robert's Journeys purchase. We had the Staff Secret Pal party last Saturday night and it was a success! Most everyone dressed up 80's and had a great time taking pictures and exchanging secret pal gifts. camp is coming to an end. with only 4 days left, i'm starting to feel a little sad. despite all the reasons why i felt the summer was mediocre here... i'm beginning to realize that it wasn't. i'll take away some amazing memories from here, from all the people, and wally the chipmunk. isn't that how life works a lot of the time? sometimes you don't even realize the good while it's happening, but once time passes and you looked back on the memories -- they make you smile and miss that place or those people. true, i'm still here and true, i want to leave... but i know in a week from now, or a month, or a year... i'll look back with fond memories and i might just miss camp.

To see clearly...

 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
                                    - Phillippians 4: 8, 9

Yesterday I was wearing glasses. Now, many of you didn’t even know that I wore glasses because I’m always wearing contacts. But occasionally I’ll bust out the glasses, and yesterday just happened to be one of those occasions. At evening program, Randy asked to borrow my glasses for a skit… so I let him, consequently causing me to be blind for a whole 5 minutes. It was in those few minutes that a thought came to me… and I’m going to share it with you this morning.

My story takes place back in the good old days when I attended Westdale Elementary School in Saginaw, Michigan. I was in 4^th grade and if you can imagine, was a complete nerd. I mean, I wrote poetry and got straight A’s. I didn’t have any really good friends, but even now I don’t remember it to be a bad year in the least. However, it was in that 4^th grade year that something started happening…

“Tamara, why are you sitting so close to the tv?!” My mom began to ask me every time I’d sit down to watch “All That” or reruns of “Saved By The Bell”.

“I don’t know…” I’d reply. I didn’t really think about a reason. It was just what I did.

At school I began to realize that I couldn’t make out anything on the whiteboard. I’d squint to try and see, but to no avail. I knew what this meant. Glasses.

I was already a nerd to begin with, now we really have to add the glasses into the mix? Why yes, yes we did. So I told my mom the reason why I always sat so close to the tv and she quickly took me to the eye doctors where I got my eyes checked and a prescription made for a shiny new pair of glasses.

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was sitting there, waiting to put on glasses for the first time in my life. I didn’t think much of it, until… whoa. I could see. No really. Those big green blurry bushes, were actually leaves on a tree. Details were in full focus and all of a sudden I was so shocked at how much I was missing out before. People can actually see all of this, from this far away?! I was amazed. And happy! I could not wait to wear my glasses all the time!

But, unfortunately, the excitement died down… and two years later I couldn’t stand to wear my glasses. I was going into the 6^th grade, transitioning into Middle School and just had to look cool which meant – NO glasses. I was NOT going to be a nerd anymore. I had boys to impress! Popularity to achieve! The world was mine for the taking – without these nerdy glasses.

Contacts were not an option though. I couldn’t stand the thought of touching my eyes, let alone having something in them all day. I shuddered to think of it.  So instead, I just didn’t wear my glasses to school. By this time, my prescription had gotten progressively worse and worse. But I didn’t care. I refused to wear those glasses because I was convinced that I looked ugly and uncool in them.

How did I survive, you ask? Oh I had perfected the art of the eye squint. I would make sure no one was looking at me, and pull the sides of my eyes to make them squint. The distortion it caused my retinas made my vision to become clear, although I was seeing only a sliver of anything. But it worked. I’m sure people saw me and wondered what in the world I was doing, but I thought I was pretty clever and sneaky.

The story eventually ends in me getting cool glasses to wear (that weren’t really that cool but I just thought they were) and then eventually getting up the guts to get contacts, which I wear til this day.

But I was thinking about this story and the similarity between us and God’s truth.

All of our visions are blurry. And sometimes we don’t realize it. Sometimes we think we know what is right and what is wrong and what’s best for us… and we are content to see things the way we want to see them. And over time, we may begin to realize that our way of thinking, the way we see things, may not be exactly right or clear…

And when we make that decision to trust in God and allow him to show us his truth… we get the metaphorical glasses and our vision suddenly becomes so clear. And the things that we didn’t understand before, lines that may have been blurry, we now see clearly. And we are so excited! We can’t believe we didn’t know all this before.

And over time… maybe…. Some of us decide it’s not quite “cool” to see the right things. To really know the truth and act upon it. So we metaphorically decide to take off our glasses and try and see on our own again. Distorting the truth so that we still look cool and may be technically right, but aren’t allowing God’s truth to really show us the right way.

The verse I read in the beginning, Phillipians 4: 8,9 is one we’ve all heard many times. It gets a little bit overdone. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever is good, kind, noble, yadda yadda yadda. But if you really think about it, many of us brush this verse off because we don’t fully know what is right and good and noble because so many of us are distorting our eyes from seeing God’s truth. That’s why I love the next verse that says, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Jesus came as an example to this earth – to show us the Father. In my opinion, the one word to sum up God is Love.

So often I feel threatened by verses in the Bible that say you have to think on all these pure, good, holy, right things… because let’s face it – we are sinners. We don’t always do that. We try, but we fail many times... and we get discouraged and we feel ugly and take off our glasses because we see what’s right but just can’t seem to do it the right way.

But our God is a loving God. A forgiving God. If we stand up, put on those glasses (whether or not they are cool) we will see clearly. And no matter how many times we think we can do it on our own, we think we know what we’re doing, we can just take off those glasses and squint and see fine… Just know, God will always be there, waiting to hand those glasses back to us so that our vision can be perfectly clear.  

i'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

Wally the chipmunk just scampered into the office, looking for marshmallows. I've grown fond of him and his daily visits. I wish he wasn't afraid of me though... Well, only two more weeks of camp (Family camp to boot! --which everyone claims is easier) However... for these last two weeks I'm staying in a cabin with 7 other girls. I was the first to pack and grab a bottom bunk yesterday -- however, I was busy all day doing Registration (and when I mean all day... I really mean ALL day) so I didn't get a chance to unpack anything, let alone make my bed. So after a long day of working... I take an hour off to have some supervised purple with my man up in the Apartment. Curfew rolls around and I'm forced to go back to my cabin. I was sleepy anyways, so I was glad to get to bed. But what do I come to find? Darkness. All the girls were already asleep! Before 11?! Crap. So I make my way through the dark room, barely missing sprawled out suitcases... tripping over my own pile of bags, only to find that -- oh yeah, I never made my bed.. and all my clothes are packed away in my suitcase and I can't see a thing. I didn't want to turn on the light because I'm too considerate of people and I didn't want to wake anyone up. So I didn't, at the expensive of my own comfort. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I slept in my jeans, on top of a blanket that made too much noise getting out of the plastic bag it was in. Needless to say, I had a horrible night full of tossing and turning... only to wake up at 1am and 2am and 5am and then 6am when my alarm went off. I gathered my things and walked over to the bathhouse (uuugh..) and took a nice long shower... only to return to the cabin and find that everyone is STILL asleep. I tried hard not to make noise... but goodness gracious... I don't know how I'm going to survive for the next two weeks. I would much rather have them all stay up super late than go to bed early. I can sleep through noise.. but I feel bad being the one making the noise that others would have to sleep through. And I'm so not comfortable with anyone yet so its still awkward. Hopefully the nights and mornings will get better. Until then.. I will complain.  

In case you were full of curiosity, the picture is of me using the radio to announce over the PA! well, i wasn't really in the picture... just posing. It's what I do all day though... well for the next two weeks anyways. I'll kind of miss it probably. Maybe... not.. 

you may say that i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one..

i've finally done it. this is quite the momentous occasion. i've saved up $1,000 in the bank. (just in savings, not including checking) that may sound bad, considering i'm a senior in college... but i've never been good with saving money, just to save money. i can save when i have something to save FOR. a goal. a purpose. but not just to save. but now i have! thanks to camp and their bi-weekly paychecks that add up quick!

so i'll be getting two more paychecks... which means i'll be able to add at least $500 more into savings and still maybe be able to buy a coach purse at wrentham outlets at the end of summer. we'll see!

on another note... a sad/frustrating note, how am i supposed to feel when the last thing my boyfriend says to me this morning is "don't get snappy with me"? because i'm struggling here.. really i am. should i brush it off my shoulders, or actually let it bother me? it really is my choice - which is true in every situation. whether good or bad, stupid or brilliant, it is totally up to you how you choose to react. so i guess what i'll do is just bottle it up and not deal with it until i actually talk to him again and then i'll probably bring it up and yeah -- we'll see where it goes from there! no really.. i'll try to be in a better mood. i don't know, this whole money thing really brightened up my day! because before i was in a pretty foul mood because of the silent morning i had... but now... i've got money in the bank! and a chipmunk at my feet!

everything looks perfect from far away, come down now... but we'll stay

a chipmunk literally just scampered across the office floor. it scared me at first, but then i got intrigued and followed it (and by followed it, i mean chased it) out the door. chipmunks are so cute and abundant here at camp. why they don't scare me like squirrels do, i have no idea. but my close encounter this morning made me smile and feel a little silly at the time, because i was chasing a chipmunks. luckily no one was around to see my foolishness. at least, i think...

i haven't had a minute to write a blog. i always start and get sidetracked with office work. this morning, i'm adamant about writing an update on my life here at camp. i've never had such a regimented routine. (that's probably redundant, huh?) everything goes according to schedule and i'm the one that announces it over the PA. i wake up at 6:30 am, shower, eat breakfast then sit in the office. some days are crazier than others -- usually sundays and mondays are hectic all day. as the week continues, things slow down. and by thursday/friday... i'm bored out of my mind. so i facebook and write emails. (don't ask me why i don't write on this blog -- i haven't figured that out yet)

being the secretary is a very under-appreciated job. sometimes i let it get to me, but for the most part i don't care. we all have "secret pals" and mine hasn't gotten me anything yet. it's been three weeks -- not even a note saying hello. not gonna lie, makes me sad. sigh. oh well.

oh and the weather. it is not summer here. it has been rainy and cold (60's and below even!) for the past three weeks... (excluding the three sunny days this weekend -- that we happened to go into Boston for, which was awesome! Saw fireworks and a red sox game! which actually got us in trouble... but that's another story) basically my life is good, but i miss tv.