do me a favor baby don't reply, cause i can dish it out but i can't take it

something about today.. it's been horrible. constantly irritated and nearly on the brink of tears, at times i felt so frustrated at not only what was bothering me, but just the fact that i was letting it bother me. and it wasn't just one thing. i could list off all the things that made my heavy sighs a bit heavier. and although there were a few positive things... at the end of the day, it feels like the negatives tipped the scale. it was so bad that i didn't even get to tell bobby my good news. and i still haven't. and that in itself brings me to tears -- i'm such a girl. just knowing that i've been in such a terrible mood, that i haven't even told my boyfriend the really awesome thing that happened today (which i'm purposely not stating because he'll probably read this before i get a chance to tell him and how dumb would it be if he found out on my blog? very.) makes me so upset.. upset that i've let myself have such a horrible day -- and for no good reason. i just let things get to me. i'm stressed out and therefore my patience and tolerance have lower a little bit... as i'm sure happens to all of us. but the weird thing is, i don't get stressed out much. but something about running around all day, going to the dentist (ick) and having to make an appointment to get two cavities refilled, and waiting alone in taco bell for 20 minutes, and realizing that my life is so far from the lives of my friends to the point where i feel left out, and letting the tiniest things get to me because i'm stressed out about school and projects and all the things i have to do. i'm not used to running around, i'm out of shape, i've lost my breath. and for some reason, i hear laughter. i hear "please, say it again tamara, just one more time... you're what now?" ".....busy." hahahahahahaha. and i hate that that phrase, conversation, redundant banter is even brought up in my mind. yes, i'm freaking busy. mock me some more please. and now i just realized why i was so defensive about mocking. and that seemed like forever when really it was hours ago that it happened. wow. i need to get some sleep... but i wanted to pass the time while i waited for the pearl harbor soundtrack to download. 6% left and i can sleep to pretty music. such a sad movie. i finally watched the ending tonight.. amazing.. 

at the end of the day, i realize that i just need to sleep and stop thinking and stop worrying and just let today go.... tomorrows a new day -- hopefully it will be better than today.

more than lights expose who you are

"why are you so defiant towards my friends?" i jokingly nudged him. 

"because they are defiant towards me." his eyes smiled, but his undertones didn't. the conversation turned, as it usually does, from lighthearted to serious in less than 60 seconds. 

"how so?" with my hand on my hip, i all but rolled my eyes at his accusation.

"they are always asking 'oh is BOBBY gonna be there?' and 'oh well i don't want it to be a COUPLE thing'" he was on defense, justifying his remarks with information that, although was correct, was also being twisted into something worse than what it actually was. i offered an explanation even though i didn't even need to. 

"hey, i would be the same way if i were single.. i would not want to be surrounded by couples on a camping trip. you have to be understanding baby." 

"i don't want to be the only one who is understanding." 

"you're not. i'm understanding too." 

the argument continued, escalated and deflated without a resolution until we broke our silence with harsh truths about smoothering and giving space and wording things in a way that isn't so accusatory. and when all was said and done, we were still ok. i still surprise myself sometimes. although its been close to a year with bobby, i can remember the person i was two, three, four years ago... (in true cliche form) as if it were yesterday. i allowed my voice to be unheard, not because others drowned me out, but because i never spoke up. too quiet, too shy. i had been rejected for such reasons, on more than one occasion. it was one of my character flaws. in a naturally peacemaker way, i wanted to subdue any conflict and if that meant not speaking my opinion... than so be it. i justified my unobtrusiveness by reasoning that i could see conflict from both sides - which is true - but i'd always side with the other side, if you will. 

after years of failed attempts at relationships, i realized that i was depriving myself of my own worth. it wasn't the guys that made me feel unworthy.. it was myself. yeah, i had self esteem. it was great even. but i never acted upon it. i was a self proclaimed martyr. the victim of "pisgah" boys and commitment phobic boys who didn't know what they wanted -- and while all that may be true, if i had just spoken up. just called them out on what they were doing, how they were treating me, a lot of heartache could have been saved. but i'm not one to have regrets. i've learned from these mistakes. and now... i just see how much i've changed. 

maybe it shouldn't still make me feel proud of myself for speaking up and saying exactly what's on my mind... but it does. you can't forget the person you once were, and maybe every now and then you need to pat yourself on the back for the positive changes you've made. and so, in my completely unnecessary reference to 2003 yearbook quotes, for every wrong, there is a right. the arguments and misunderstandings, whatever you choose to call them, don't scare me. they actually make me love him more. i'm not afraid of causing conflict anymore, although i still consider myself a peacemaker. i just know that we'll get through anything by just being honest to each other and most importantly to ourselves.  

you long for something more darling

why do i even write on this blog? i asked myself every so often. i stumbled upon bloggess.com and similiar other blogs and they get so many readers and comments... and granted they don't talk about their significant other in EVERY post and are a lot more witty than i am and have books published and so on and so forth... i still wish i could be as cool or popular. i think two people read this. bobby and steph. i could branch out.. i could write about more interesting things. i could make the layout more inviting.. more dynamic... but i'm too lazy and haven't learned dreamweaver.... yet. 

so here's my resolution (4 months early) -- i will keep up with this and just write about whatever i feel like. but right now, i've got nothin. sigh.

alas, maybe tomorrow. 

je t'aime plus qu'hier moins que demain

what can i say about my third trip up to boston? instead of boring you with all the little details, i'll just mention the overall feeling i got while up there. home. lyrics from "feels like home" resound in my head as i simply state that being with bobby.... anywhere.. feels like home. i feel comfort, security, love. he spoils me rotten and i feel undeserving at times. 10 months and it feels like a lifetime that i've been with him. how time flies when we're together, yet at moments it feel like its going in slow motion. but one thing is for sure, we are always moving forward. this summer was good for us. we grew together, even though we were so far apart. phone calls everyday were never viewed as clingy or needy -- to us, they prove how much we both care for each other and how important communication is for us. and now the summer is ending and he'll be back on friday. i couldn't be happier! i love him more and more each day... (i love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow).

doll i need to see you pull your knee socks up

bachelorette parties are always fun. especially when you get to dress up in sexy costumes. as you can see, i was a sexy school girl -- typical, i know. besides hardly being able to be call friends with the bribe to be, having liquor that no one took advantage of, seeing not one--but two horrible strippers attempt to be sexy and fail miserably, constantly pulling my knee socks up because i have no thighs and i didn't have a garter belt until the end of the night, and redoing my left pony tail more times than i can count because it kept getting loose.... the night was pretty great. the whole sexy costumes was a great idea because it gave everyone an ego boost, and by everyone i mean me (i don't know how the others felt really). it made me feel really sexy and confident.... and a little bit slutty. me and steph, we put the "whore" in horrible. all night we made many lesbian references, which hasn't happened in quite some time. i didn't realize how much i missed the "wild legendary". oh gag, i just remembered who originated that saying. which reminds me... i called baby austen "stains" today---which i've always refused to do---but for good reason. he actually did have poop stains on his bottom, poor baby.  

oh my darling, when you smile it is like a song and i can hear it now

i get quiet when something upsets me and he can instantly pick up on it. he knows the difference between the good and bad silence. and when its bad, without fail his first words are "uh-oh." our arguments all boil down to the same basis. although there are many facets, they stem from the same source. the root of the problem, in question form, is "how do you show someone you care without coming across as overbearing, overprotective or downright manipulative?" after an hour of explanations (on both parts), silence, understanding and forgiveness, we came to the conclusion that showing you care is a unique balance of affection and implication. some things just should not be said, but rather implied.

"okay, so you know i love you and you know i miss you. maybe i should just let that be implied..." he said in all seriousness. 

my future life flashed before my eyes. i'm 40 something, taking care of the kids, feeling neglected by my husband because he never says he loves me anymore. "its implied" he rolls his eyes when i confront him about it and rolls the issue off his shoulders. then i realize it all started from THIS argument. and i'm pulled back into reality, where i quickly let my cold silence be interrupted by a somewhat fearful chuckle.

"no i don't agree with that." i quickly said. "you should never stop telling me you love and miss me. EVER."

"good cause i don't plan on it.." he sighed with relief.

"but, the fact that you don't like that you won't talk to me saturday night because i'll be with my girlfriends... that's implied. you don't need to tell me that, because i already know. and when you say it, it just makes me feel guilty and then resentful because i rarely get to hang out with them in the first place." 

"ok, i can do that." 

we all have much to learn about love... it is too great to fully comprehend. but when it comes down to these little arguments, discussions if you will, i feel like we get that much closer to understanding what it means to love unconditionally, and show how much we care in a way that doesn't hinder its meaning. 

worth the wait and out of my reach but i'm reaching out for you

nothing beats 2 minute phone calls at random throughout the day... oh wait, good morning and good night phone calls do. and i get them all. i was listening to my "all about it" mix -- which i'm not all about anymore (not the music, the concept or, well the person). the melodies reminded me of last summer... the lyrics spoke of my situation.

you. you were a friend. you were a friend of mine, i let you spend the night. you see it was my fault. of course it was mine. "i'm too hard at work." have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life? i'm sorry for wasting your time.

who am i to say this situation isn't great? when its my job to make the most of it. of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy. 

hey, what's that you say? you're not blaming me for anything. well that's great but i don't break that easy.  does it fade away? so that's why i'm apologizing now, for telling you i thought that we could make it. i just don't get enough to believe that. we've both changed. 

see who am i to say this situation isn't great? it is my time to make the most of it, of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy. if all along the fault is up for grabs, why can't you have it? if its for sale, what is your offer? i will sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely nothing.

neither one of us deserves the blame, because opportunities moved us away. its not an easy thing to learn to play a game thats made for two. thats you and me. the rules remain a mystery. see i was easy. 

so who am i to say this situation isn't great? well its our time to make the most of it, how could we ever know that this would happen to me. not that easy. when all along the fault is up for grabs, and there you have it. well its for sale, go make your offer. well i sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely zero.

to me, that summed it up. in one beautifully heartbreaking hopeful song. a memory flashed in my head. cracker barrel. a decision. his eyes looked for acceptance... a simple "yes" would seal the deal. would we still talk over the summer? and when i say talk, let it be known that the term "talk" is synonymous with "date" - not to be confused with "exclusively". it was "talking" with the intentions of getting into a relationship later on. 

i knew it was coming. this decision. i hadn't expected to meet a guy that was interested in me as much as i was interested in him, within the last 2 weeks of school. i hadn't expected to get to know him so fast. to feel so close to a new acquaintance in such a short amount of time. but i did. and now i was at a fork in the road, summer, and he was asking a very important question. was this the end? or the beginning? 

although, i don't think he saw it that way at all. i can't say for sure because i still don't understand him. but he was not the type of guy who think things through. he lived for the thrill of the moment, not stopping to think of the consequences. but i didn't realize that until everything fell apart. he was stuck in the moment, and anxiously awaited my decision. 

i've been here before. i thought to myself. summers don't work for me. they never have. 

all of sudden, driving in my car, thinking about this memory, i got horribly mad. my blood boiled with the idea that, like every other guy that knew about my past history with summers and jerks, he did the same thing that they did. he knew i was scared about summers. he knew i had been rejected not once, not twice, but three times before -- all of which were during the summer. he knew all of this. and yet he sat there eagerly awaiting the words "yes" so that... what? so that he could do the same thing as every other guy. 

how could i have let myself say yes? i knew summers never worked for me. how could i have trusted him? i started kicking myself for letting it happen. for saying yes. but then, i remembered the rest of my thought process. but who's to say this summer will be the same? what if its different?

what if's -- they'll getcha. and just like that, i remembered something that i had temporarily forgotten in my fit of remembrance rage; love is a risk. i thought about it some more and changed the outcome in my head. had i said "no", i would have always wondered "what if" and it would have driven me crazy. i would have blamed myself for ruining something that could have been great. 

so really, who am i to say this situation isn't great? i identified with the song 100% and realized that i never have to wonder "what if" because i already know. if i said "yes" it ends. if i said "no" it ends. and somehow that is a very comforting thought.

i found myself at a similiar crossroad just a few months back. except i had been dating bobby for 6 months and we had no intentions of breaking up... ever. our relationship was (and is still) secure. yet, my fear of summer's finalization of anything remotely related to a relationship made me insecure. but there was never a decision that needed to be made with us. we had already made that decision a long time ago. we were together. for good. no summer would tear us apart, however difficult it may be to be so far apart distance wise. and although a few times i felt my barriers building up, i just as quickly broke them down because i knew... love is a risk. in every sense. 

there is one more month left of summer and i don't feel like its been summer at all. see, i've always associated said season with feelings of loneliness and longing and confusion and anger and inner turmoil. my love life was always a roller coaster that i loved and hated and just couldn't seem to get off of. but this summer all i've felt is consistency, security, happiness, love. of course i miss him like nothing else, but, as cheesy as it sounds, he's just as close to me now 1,000 miles away as he is in person, because he is and will always be in my heart.