when you're gone, will i lose control?

i'm back from boston and although i tossed and turned last night, waking up at every hour, only to switch to another uncomfortable position and have another strange dream, i find myself now at home, tired from a full day of traveling, sitting at my computer instead of sleeping in my marshmallow bed. i'm comforted by all my familiar surroundings, relieved to be back to my own mess, my own clutter, my own life. not to say that i was unhappy in boston, that would be so far from the true. i enjoyed myself immensely. i felt at home, very comfortable and welcomed up there. no longer was i intimidated or shy around his family, although i was still quiet because let's face it, i'm always going to be a quiet person. it felt good to feel so comfortable there. but at the end of 9 days i was ready to be home, with my family, my pets, my familiar surroundings. 

i finished augusten burroughs' "possible side effects" which was very good. contrary to popular belief, i DO enjoy books that i don't relate to. i might have said such a comment in the past, but i've changed since then. which is actually one of my most irritating pet peeves... the way a person who doesn't acknowledge that you've changed, treats you like you are the "old" you. everyone changes, matures, learns, grows into themselves and gains wisdom and experience... but often times, others around them fail to see that change (because usually that change occurs within, not externally) and those people continue to treat the other as though they haven't changed at all. you can't blame them.. but it gets annoying. because as much as you say "yeah, i know" - that person will still tell you things like its the first time you've heard it. i know that is completely off the subject but.. just thought i'd through that out there. 

it's almost midnight. sleep is now a necessity for my eyes cannot stay open much longer. i'll write more about my trip later. if i feel like it that is. we'll see. goodnight.

i'll be the one to keep you one disaster less

maybe in ten years i'll be one a book tour promoting my new and much anticipated novel, most likely filled with silly anecdotes about my pathetic life. i read stephanie klein's blog all the time. due to her most recent post, i discovered jen lancaster's blog and realized that as much as i dream of being a fancy shmancy graphic designer (which is totally going to rock, don't get me wrong), i want to be an author and always have. i mean, i was writing since second grade. i remember writing short stories and asking the teacher if i could read them in front of the class. how is it that i had balls back when i was a kid but now you wouldn't find me dead offering to read a group of people my writing. of course there are the few individuals who get the privilege of reading "my book"... but, 75 pages in and i've lost my drive. i started it last summer and have since reached a point where i don't even care to recall events that happened back then. it's gotten to the point where i just want to get through it and not go into details, but that's exactly why i wanted to write it in the first place... to go into incredibly witty sarcastic details about the ridiculous relationships i found myself in for the past few years. and now that i write this, it actually makes me want to keep working on it.. maybe i will. 

besides that, i'm continually surprised at me and bobby's ability to get through.. um.. anything. 3 am phone calls and 3 emails later we somehow managed to get through a confusing night where we were both in complete emotional turmoil for absolutely no reason. and we come out stronger. and it surprises me because i'm so used to those situations where i have no clue whats going on and the next thing i know, the boy (not man) decides he "can't handle school and a relationship" or is "gonna be too busy this summer"... yeah.. i was bracing myself for the worst because that's what i'm used to. i do realize how pathetic that sounds, but it's true. after a string of failed relationships.. you are naturally going to be skeptic of the one that finally works out. and it just amazes me how different bobby is... how we can get through things because, oh my gosh, we love each other and that's what love is. working through things because you don't want to hurt the other person and you just want to make them happy. or something like that. and i think we both do a pretty damn good job of making each other happy.  

give me your forever and not a day less will do

two years ago today, i wrote a list without really thinking about it. and now that i look back and really think about it, bobby has every single quality i wrote down. i'm so amazed at how i found exactly what i was looking for. i feel so blessed to have him in my life. happy 7 months!

for every kiss you give me, i'll give you three

i'm getting used to the process of applying, interviewing and being rejected. two internships, close but no cigar. one job opportunity for next school year, just outta my reach. and here i sit on my computer waiting to hear from yet another employer about yet another internship. this summer will henceforth be known as the summer of never-ending internship interviewing. i can't say what the final outcome will be though. it seems like every other week i am introduced to a new possibility which is wonderful. kudos to SVAD for passing on valuable information via emails. so i emailed Unum and got a speedy reply (no seriously, less than 30 minutes) and now i'm waiting to hear from the man who's setting up interviews. the details? it's a full time, paid graphic design internship at Unum, working on marketing for "a Fortune 500 company". $13 or $14 an hour. 40 hours a week. i think it could be fun. designing flyers, ads, data sheets. working with a team of designers. i'd actually perfer this internship over the others. it sounds exciting and Unum is a well-known organization. but, as always, i'm not holding my breath because i'll probably just end up suffocating. see there's that pessimism creeping up!

one another note, a week and half and i'll be in boston! a week and it'll be 7 months (but who's counting) and i couldn't be happier. i really can't remember a time when i was happier. being with him is so easy and not stressful and absolutely no drama. i told him about what i wrote in my last blog and he literally was like "no big deal" and wasn't mad at my double standard, like, at all. and i pushed him.. "so it doesn't bother you that he's the one that texted me and invited me to go?!" i wanted him to know the whole story and then make his decision on whether or not he was upset. "are you trying to make me mad tamara?" he laughed at my persistence. "no... but.. wow.. i can't believe you aren't mad." i wasn't used to such understanding... wait.. maybe he didn't care about me enough to be mad... no. i get those silly little thoughts sometimes. "i think its just cute that you felt bad all day over something you thought would make me upset, but it didn't and it doesn't" -- he's wonderful. so incredibly wonderful.

love, bring me the head of jealousy

double standard. let's just throw that out in the open. why is it okay for me to spend time with an ex but not him? granted its not one on one time, it's a group thing, it still doesn't make it any better. i sat there in the car, head bent heavy from my conscience. i would be so upset if i were him. if he was with her, big group or not, the fact is he was with her. i'm not a perfect person, and today was proof of that imperfection. the ex texted me and i replied and it ended up in a cliff jumping escapade. first it was a car full of exes. and then we met up with the rest of the group and i felt slightly better knowing other people, to ease my guilt by being able to eventually name drop other people besides the ex. somehow in my head it makes it sound better. "oh yeah, so and so was there, and so and so, and so and so, oh.. and the ex.." yeah, like he wasn't the one to invite me, and i wasn't the one to say okay, and we didn't met up and ride together... and the only reason i really feel guilty is because i know my boyfriend is going to be jealous. and he has every right to be. and i'm a double standard. because there's absolutely no way i wouldn't be upset if he hung out with his ex. even if it was a big group.  i haven't told him yet, but i plan on it. i just feel bad. and its so difficult now that my ex is like two degrees away from me.... and his circle of friends is suddenly sort of my circle of friends.. what am i supposed to do all summer? i have no intention of being alone with my ex. in a room. with music and booze. because been there, done that and i vowed a year ago that that would never happen again. i'd rather [insert some horribly painful event here] happen then to ever be close to him again. and plus, i'm so completely devoted and in love with bobby that there's no desire to be with any one else. it's just difficult to be friends with an ex, when you have a boyfriend. and that's what i am used to. i always stay good friends with my exes (or psuedo-exes in casanova's case) and i've never really had a problem because i've always been single.. but now i have bobby's feelings to consider and they are worth so much more than a day at soddy daisy with old jokes and guilt. so i tell him and then promise not to have a double standard? or promise not to hang out with the ex anymore? or what? it's not that simple really... if i want to have a life, the ex has somehow tangled himself up in it, unintentionally i know, but he's still there -- friends with my sister's boyfriend and his friends. and sure i could never hang out with them... but... i'm extremely close to my sisters and hang out with them all the time. these all sound like excuses. i know. ugh, i hate exes. period.

all that we said won't be lost into the dawn

i got paid early because the farrows are going on a mini-vay-cay to dollywood today and tomorrow... which means, my paycheck was small. but i'm okay with that, ya wanna know why? because my coach purse has 2 bids on ebay! considering i didn't pay a cent for it... anything i get for it will be a welcome amount and right now $72 is looking like some good coin. i'm saving up for my boston trip (in less than two weeks!) my whole mindset during summers has always been save, save, save! but the last summer i only worked at the farrows and didn't get a second job and about went crazy with nothing to do. well that's not entirely true. i enjoyed laying out at the pool, being lazy, eating el meson chips and queso, drinking dr. pepper, having girls nights at the apt, playing poker, watching movies, going on roadtrips with steph.... okay, so not having a second job wouldn't be the end of the world or anything -- but i just think about how much money i could be making (and spending on gas... hmm) with a second job. plus, it'll pass the time AND get me discounts off of my favorite brand of clothing. yes, american eagle. my dilemma is which store to work at? hamilton dismissed me without a second thought last time, and cleveland is further away but will probably be more likely to hire me and steph works there. i should just buck up and apply. who's it gonna hurt? certainly not me. maybe my wallet... because driving out there could possibly empty my pockets rather than fill them... or maybe i'll break even.. which including the discounts would be better than nothing i suppose. oh and just a little update, interviewing for anything related to graphic design was a waste of my time. i'm not "experienced enough" and therefore places won't hire me to get the experience i need. go figure. the marketing position was filled but not by me.. so.. good riddance! to that. i'll spend my days writing about my life, and maybe that'll take me somewhere. i really do wonder if writing is what i should be doing. you may be reading this and thinking, seriously? she thinks this is good?? well, not this particularly. but i've written some funny stuff about my love life. in my infamous book. that i'm still writing. about all the guys in my life who are jerks. it's long and has no point other than to show how pathetic i was before realizing that i was worth more than how those boys made me feel. so maybe that's the direction of my book. i don't know.. i'm still writing it. one day the world will read it and love it... hopefully.

i miss you more than i should

"i was just talking about you!"
"oh really? to who and what were you saying?"
"i was talking to steph and telling her how much i miss you.. and how hard this summer is.."
"... it's been two days."

i'm blaming pms for my incredibly strong emotions the past.... well i'd like to say 2 weeks, but i'll go with the probable number of 4 days. constantly on the verge of tears, i've had this overwhelming feeling of loss. even though i'm going to boston at the end of this month, i still worry myself with what will happen after the 30th. he'll be gone to camp and in his own words, won't really have time to think about me. (except for in the morning and at night, which covers his behind because if he flat out said he basically wasn't going to miss me for 2 and a half months i would have had a few choice words with him.... mostly muffled by my inevitable sobs..) so yeah, that kind of hurt. because i know its kind of true. guys and girls are different. guys can take their mind off of things by occupying their thoughts with sports or food or whatever else they choose. girls... not so much. if we are thinking about something, that's ALL we can think about. at least, i hope i'm not the only one who is consumed by her thoughts. but it all boils down to... even if i occupy every minute of everyday... i'm still going to think of nothing but him... what's he doing.. when will i hear from him next.. i'm pathetic. i know. but apparently in my case, pathetic is synonymous with being in love. sigh. what can i do?

cross your heart and hold fast hope

officially i have one more day with him. which will be more like an evening with him since he has a busy morning and has to go to work in the afternoon. i'm looking for plane tickets, that i can't even afford right now. where does all my money go? presents. food. movies. and now that he's about to leave, it's going to be sucked up by gas. oy.

i still have yet to hear from true north and from the marketing position. yes or no. it's simple. just let me know already. i especially need an answer from true north seeing as that would be a summer internship. i'm not holding my breath though. i've learned to brace yourself for the worst. pessimistic, i know. but if there's one thing you'll learn about me, its as much as i am a hopeless romantic to the core, i'm very much a realist. a walking contradiction, if you please.

so as of the moment my summer looks... undecided. no definite plans, as of yet. and it's killing me to think of just sitting around waiting for something to happen with my boyfriend a thousand miles away.