love, bring me the head of jealousy

double standard. let's just throw that out in the open. why is it okay for me to spend time with an ex but not him? granted its not one on one time, it's a group thing, it still doesn't make it any better. i sat there in the car, head bent heavy from my conscience. i would be so upset if i were him. if he was with her, big group or not, the fact is he was with her. i'm not a perfect person, and today was proof of that imperfection. the ex texted me and i replied and it ended up in a cliff jumping escapade. first it was a car full of exes. and then we met up with the rest of the group and i felt slightly better knowing other people, to ease my guilt by being able to eventually name drop other people besides the ex. somehow in my head it makes it sound better. "oh yeah, so and so was there, and so and so, and so and so, oh.. and the ex.." yeah, like he wasn't the one to invite me, and i wasn't the one to say okay, and we didn't met up and ride together... and the only reason i really feel guilty is because i know my boyfriend is going to be jealous. and he has every right to be. and i'm a double standard. because there's absolutely no way i wouldn't be upset if he hung out with his ex. even if it was a big group.  i haven't told him yet, but i plan on it. i just feel bad. and its so difficult now that my ex is like two degrees away from me.... and his circle of friends is suddenly sort of my circle of friends.. what am i supposed to do all summer? i have no intention of being alone with my ex. in a room. with music and booze. because been there, done that and i vowed a year ago that that would never happen again. i'd rather [insert some horribly painful event here] happen then to ever be close to him again. and plus, i'm so completely devoted and in love with bobby that there's no desire to be with any one else. it's just difficult to be friends with an ex, when you have a boyfriend. and that's what i am used to. i always stay good friends with my exes (or psuedo-exes in casanova's case) and i've never really had a problem because i've always been single.. but now i have bobby's feelings to consider and they are worth so much more than a day at soddy daisy with old jokes and guilt. so i tell him and then promise not to have a double standard? or promise not to hang out with the ex anymore? or what? it's not that simple really... if i want to have a life, the ex has somehow tangled himself up in it, unintentionally i know, but he's still there -- friends with my sister's boyfriend and his friends. and sure i could never hang out with them... but... i'm extremely close to my sisters and hang out with them all the time. these all sound like excuses. i know. ugh, i hate exes. period.