but you, you just know, you just do

This passion of mine has dwindled down and become a rare occasion that only happens when there is absolutely nothing else to occupy my time. Yes, that saddens me. I wish I could remember to document all the wonder moments in my life, the ones that make me grin ear to ear, the ones that I never ever want to forget... but the things is, that's just not how my passion began, and so I'm not in the habit of writing about all the grandeur. Instead, my writing had its humble beginnings pining over lost loves, aching, wondering, wishing, loathing, but never loving in the sense that I was loved back. I loved to write about being what I thought must be love. But four years of highschool and two years of college came and went, and with one person my passion for spilling my guts in prose faded away because now I didn't have to write about unrequited love. Suddenly my life was a whirlwind of wonderful and I had no need to write my frustrations down because, to be honest, they were few and far between. Sure I still wrote here and there... but I forced myself to. It wasn't something that I had to do for my own sake. I used to write because that was the only way I could deal with rejection and heartache, all my poor pitiful overemotional self inflicted pain. So when that pain stopped, the writing stopped -- or at least minimized quite a bit.

He views this as in insult. I used to write pages and pages about other guys. Heck, even a book! And he gets what? Some letters here and there, and a failed attempt at a blog. But I try and tell him it's the biggest compliment he could get. Honestly, he does so much, I don't know how I could even begin to write down all the ways he makes me happy. There are moments, so random you'd think nothing of it, that I just feel an overwhelming sense of happiness to be with him. And it totally makes me think of a line in the movie Never Been Kissed,

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

with every step, love grows.

2 years and counting...

our anniversary was a beautiful disaster, complete with ups and downs.. but at the end of the day, we came out stronger, closer than ever before. i've never had someone understand me quite like he does. i mean, he can tell me what my next move is before i make it. maybe that just makes me predictable? either way -- i wouldn't change our relationship for the world.

pressed on letterpress

www.bellafigura.com

i stumbled upon bella figura letterpressing and i'm in love.

still falling, breathless and on again

there are countless things i could analyze tonight.. where to begin? i'm still insecure. i still care what other people think about me. will that ever change? deductive reasoning brought me to these conclusions. it all boils down to insecurity. why would i get upset that someone said "does tamara comment on your facebook about everything you guys do?" - that makes me feel dumb. needy. clingy. insecure. it doesn't help that his response is, "i didn't know what to say so all i said was 'she really likes facebook'" - that makes me feel even dumber. needier. clingier. more insecure. because now not only does said person think i'm all those aforementioned things, but my very own boyfriend does too. my mind spirals down into condescending thoughts about myself and i feel the freaking right* to say something.

*ah, the right. which stems from all those years when i made myself feel "wrong" for letting things bother me. when i would accept blame for things that were anything but my fault.

so i speak up. and he shuts down. "i'm not even going to argue about this." he grabs keys, ready to get out, pronto. before she gets mad. before she blows things out of proportion. before he has to deal with me. his intentions were honest, he didn't want to fight about something that was not meant to start an argument. but it hurt my feelings. the comment. the aftermath of trying to avoid talking about my hurt feelings. the quick sorry and out the door before the (pardon me, i am ignorant) shit hits the fan. i just wanted to solve a problem.

have i, in my liberation from self-worthlessness and self blaming tendencies, swung too far on the opposite side? he says i say things without considering his feelings. i tell him how i feel, no matter how it makes him feel. how do you deal with that? how does anyone win. its a lose lose situation. i don't say anything, my feelings are hurt. i do say something, his feelings are hurt. i never intend to hurt his feelings. it is never my intention to say things out of spite or use harsh words or do anything to bring him down. i simply feel the need to express how i feel, let him know what hurt me, so that we are both aware and can try to not let a similar situation happen again. it seems like such a good intention.. and yet, at times, he shines a light on the other side. how does it make him feel. with all the sugar poured on it, the words still resonate with bitterness. i wish it wasn't so, but i see how they do.

so do i bite my tongue? do i force myself to fall back into a more neutral spot on the spectrum of speaking my mind? do i let more of the little things slide? my questions are an endless tangled mess, fighting to be answered... admitting defeat with every fight that ends in tears and apologies and promises to do better.

my insecurities cause these questions. as much as i've grown and changed, i still have them. they are a part of life, and will always be. what matters is how you react to them... and obviously, that's something that i'm working on and will continue to work on. at least i know he'll be by my side no matter what.

don't know where i've been, but i know where i want to go

sometimes i wonder where this luck came from? or is it something more than luck? skills. talent. blessings... or are they synonymous with each other? i've been "the intern" at maycreate for two weeks now and i must say, i am really enjoying it. much more than my last internship (no offense true north). my first project was a logo for an onpoint event. i'm thrilled to say that out of 4 designs (only 2 of which were mine) -- one of my logo designs was chosen! now i'm working on round stickers, bumper stickers and t-shirt designs for onpoint and thinking of ideas for chattanooga library's event "club lib".. the projects keep rollin' in. and i couldn't be happier. it's exciting to be working with such talented people, in such a creative environment. everyone's been super supportive (so far haha).

my schedule continues to just fill up, then empty up, only to fill up again. some days i'm swamped and others i get out of class nearly 2 hours early, giving me time to actually work (or in this case... blog.. hmmm) but now, all my shows are coming back on tv so all my evenings will no doubt revolve around which show is on and how important it is to watch it. of course i have DVR, which should solve that problem.. but there's something about watching live tv. it's more exciting. the anticipation during commercials for whats going to happen next -- i don't know, i'm weird i know.

now i must go make a box.

yes, you read that right.

my next project for 3D graphics is to make a box... for my product design. i'm doing honey and biscuits. so i need to make a box for the biscuits. just a cut out for now. but did i mention that i'm horrible at packaging? not the design part, but the cutting part? exacto knives never do quite what i want them to do. just like printers. but such is life.

falling slowly, eyes that know me

yes, those are my awesomely 80's legging/socks - the multi-colored stripped ones, courtesy of Robert's Journeys purchase. We had the Staff Secret Pal party last Saturday night and it was a success! Most everyone dressed up 80's and had a great time taking pictures and exchanging secret pal gifts. camp is coming to an end. with only 4 days left, i'm starting to feel a little sad. despite all the reasons why i felt the summer was mediocre here... i'm beginning to realize that it wasn't. i'll take away some amazing memories from here, from all the people, and wally the chipmunk. isn't that how life works a lot of the time? sometimes you don't even realize the good while it's happening, but once time passes and you looked back on the memories -- they make you smile and miss that place or those people. true, i'm still here and true, i want to leave... but i know in a week from now, or a month, or a year... i'll look back with fond memories and i might just miss camp.

To see clearly...

 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
                                    - Phillippians 4: 8, 9

Yesterday I was wearing glasses. Now, many of you didn’t even know that I wore glasses because I’m always wearing contacts. But occasionally I’ll bust out the glasses, and yesterday just happened to be one of those occasions. At evening program, Randy asked to borrow my glasses for a skit… so I let him, consequently causing me to be blind for a whole 5 minutes. It was in those few minutes that a thought came to me… and I’m going to share it with you this morning.

My story takes place back in the good old days when I attended Westdale Elementary School in Saginaw, Michigan. I was in 4^th grade and if you can imagine, was a complete nerd. I mean, I wrote poetry and got straight A’s. I didn’t have any really good friends, but even now I don’t remember it to be a bad year in the least. However, it was in that 4^th grade year that something started happening…

“Tamara, why are you sitting so close to the tv?!” My mom began to ask me every time I’d sit down to watch “All That” or reruns of “Saved By The Bell”.

“I don’t know…” I’d reply. I didn’t really think about a reason. It was just what I did.

At school I began to realize that I couldn’t make out anything on the whiteboard. I’d squint to try and see, but to no avail. I knew what this meant. Glasses.

I was already a nerd to begin with, now we really have to add the glasses into the mix? Why yes, yes we did. So I told my mom the reason why I always sat so close to the tv and she quickly took me to the eye doctors where I got my eyes checked and a prescription made for a shiny new pair of glasses.

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was sitting there, waiting to put on glasses for the first time in my life. I didn’t think much of it, until… whoa. I could see. No really. Those big green blurry bushes, were actually leaves on a tree. Details were in full focus and all of a sudden I was so shocked at how much I was missing out before. People can actually see all of this, from this far away?! I was amazed. And happy! I could not wait to wear my glasses all the time!

But, unfortunately, the excitement died down… and two years later I couldn’t stand to wear my glasses. I was going into the 6^th grade, transitioning into Middle School and just had to look cool which meant – NO glasses. I was NOT going to be a nerd anymore. I had boys to impress! Popularity to achieve! The world was mine for the taking – without these nerdy glasses.

Contacts were not an option though. I couldn’t stand the thought of touching my eyes, let alone having something in them all day. I shuddered to think of it.  So instead, I just didn’t wear my glasses to school. By this time, my prescription had gotten progressively worse and worse. But I didn’t care. I refused to wear those glasses because I was convinced that I looked ugly and uncool in them.

How did I survive, you ask? Oh I had perfected the art of the eye squint. I would make sure no one was looking at me, and pull the sides of my eyes to make them squint. The distortion it caused my retinas made my vision to become clear, although I was seeing only a sliver of anything. But it worked. I’m sure people saw me and wondered what in the world I was doing, but I thought I was pretty clever and sneaky.

The story eventually ends in me getting cool glasses to wear (that weren’t really that cool but I just thought they were) and then eventually getting up the guts to get contacts, which I wear til this day.

But I was thinking about this story and the similarity between us and God’s truth.

All of our visions are blurry. And sometimes we don’t realize it. Sometimes we think we know what is right and what is wrong and what’s best for us… and we are content to see things the way we want to see them. And over time, we may begin to realize that our way of thinking, the way we see things, may not be exactly right or clear…

And when we make that decision to trust in God and allow him to show us his truth… we get the metaphorical glasses and our vision suddenly becomes so clear. And the things that we didn’t understand before, lines that may have been blurry, we now see clearly. And we are so excited! We can’t believe we didn’t know all this before.

And over time… maybe…. Some of us decide it’s not quite “cool” to see the right things. To really know the truth and act upon it. So we metaphorically decide to take off our glasses and try and see on our own again. Distorting the truth so that we still look cool and may be technically right, but aren’t allowing God’s truth to really show us the right way.

The verse I read in the beginning, Phillipians 4: 8,9 is one we’ve all heard many times. It gets a little bit overdone. Yeah yeah yeah, whatever is good, kind, noble, yadda yadda yadda. But if you really think about it, many of us brush this verse off because we don’t fully know what is right and good and noble because so many of us are distorting our eyes from seeing God’s truth. That’s why I love the next verse that says, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Jesus came as an example to this earth – to show us the Father. In my opinion, the one word to sum up God is Love.

So often I feel threatened by verses in the Bible that say you have to think on all these pure, good, holy, right things… because let’s face it – we are sinners. We don’t always do that. We try, but we fail many times... and we get discouraged and we feel ugly and take off our glasses because we see what’s right but just can’t seem to do it the right way.

But our God is a loving God. A forgiving God. If we stand up, put on those glasses (whether or not they are cool) we will see clearly. And no matter how many times we think we can do it on our own, we think we know what we’re doing, we can just take off those glasses and squint and see fine… Just know, God will always be there, waiting to hand those glasses back to us so that our vision can be perfectly clear.  

i'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

Wally the chipmunk just scampered into the office, looking for marshmallows. I've grown fond of him and his daily visits. I wish he wasn't afraid of me though... Well, only two more weeks of camp (Family camp to boot! --which everyone claims is easier) However... for these last two weeks I'm staying in a cabin with 7 other girls. I was the first to pack and grab a bottom bunk yesterday -- however, I was busy all day doing Registration (and when I mean all day... I really mean ALL day) so I didn't get a chance to unpack anything, let alone make my bed. So after a long day of working... I take an hour off to have some supervised purple with my man up in the Apartment. Curfew rolls around and I'm forced to go back to my cabin. I was sleepy anyways, so I was glad to get to bed. But what do I come to find? Darkness. All the girls were already asleep! Before 11?! Crap. So I make my way through the dark room, barely missing sprawled out suitcases... tripping over my own pile of bags, only to find that -- oh yeah, I never made my bed.. and all my clothes are packed away in my suitcase and I can't see a thing. I didn't want to turn on the light because I'm too considerate of people and I didn't want to wake anyone up. So I didn't, at the expensive of my own comfort. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I slept in my jeans, on top of a blanket that made too much noise getting out of the plastic bag it was in. Needless to say, I had a horrible night full of tossing and turning... only to wake up at 1am and 2am and 5am and then 6am when my alarm went off. I gathered my things and walked over to the bathhouse (uuugh..) and took a nice long shower... only to return to the cabin and find that everyone is STILL asleep. I tried hard not to make noise... but goodness gracious... I don't know how I'm going to survive for the next two weeks. I would much rather have them all stay up super late than go to bed early. I can sleep through noise.. but I feel bad being the one making the noise that others would have to sleep through. And I'm so not comfortable with anyone yet so its still awkward. Hopefully the nights and mornings will get better. Until then.. I will complain.  

In case you were full of curiosity, the picture is of me using the radio to announce over the PA! well, i wasn't really in the picture... just posing. It's what I do all day though... well for the next two weeks anyways. I'll kind of miss it probably. Maybe... not.. 

you may say that i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one..

i've finally done it. this is quite the momentous occasion. i've saved up $1,000 in the bank. (just in savings, not including checking) that may sound bad, considering i'm a senior in college... but i've never been good with saving money, just to save money. i can save when i have something to save FOR. a goal. a purpose. but not just to save. but now i have! thanks to camp and their bi-weekly paychecks that add up quick!

so i'll be getting two more paychecks... which means i'll be able to add at least $500 more into savings and still maybe be able to buy a coach purse at wrentham outlets at the end of summer. we'll see!

on another note... a sad/frustrating note, how am i supposed to feel when the last thing my boyfriend says to me this morning is "don't get snappy with me"? because i'm struggling here.. really i am. should i brush it off my shoulders, or actually let it bother me? it really is my choice - which is true in every situation. whether good or bad, stupid or brilliant, it is totally up to you how you choose to react. so i guess what i'll do is just bottle it up and not deal with it until i actually talk to him again and then i'll probably bring it up and yeah -- we'll see where it goes from there! no really.. i'll try to be in a better mood. i don't know, this whole money thing really brightened up my day! because before i was in a pretty foul mood because of the silent morning i had... but now... i've got money in the bank! and a chipmunk at my feet!

everything looks perfect from far away, come down now... but we'll stay

a chipmunk literally just scampered across the office floor. it scared me at first, but then i got intrigued and followed it (and by followed it, i mean chased it) out the door. chipmunks are so cute and abundant here at camp. why they don't scare me like squirrels do, i have no idea. but my close encounter this morning made me smile and feel a little silly at the time, because i was chasing a chipmunks. luckily no one was around to see my foolishness. at least, i think...

i haven't had a minute to write a blog. i always start and get sidetracked with office work. this morning, i'm adamant about writing an update on my life here at camp. i've never had such a regimented routine. (that's probably redundant, huh?) everything goes according to schedule and i'm the one that announces it over the PA. i wake up at 6:30 am, shower, eat breakfast then sit in the office. some days are crazier than others -- usually sundays and mondays are hectic all day. as the week continues, things slow down. and by thursday/friday... i'm bored out of my mind. so i facebook and write emails. (don't ask me why i don't write on this blog -- i haven't figured that out yet)

being the secretary is a very under-appreciated job. sometimes i let it get to me, but for the most part i don't care. we all have "secret pals" and mine hasn't gotten me anything yet. it's been three weeks -- not even a note saying hello. not gonna lie, makes me sad. sigh. oh well.

oh and the weather. it is not summer here. it has been rainy and cold (60's and below even!) for the past three weeks... (excluding the three sunny days this weekend -- that we happened to go into Boston for, which was awesome! Saw fireworks and a red sox game! which actually got us in trouble... but that's another story) basically my life is good, but i miss tv.

its not my fault that i want to have it all with you

it's been a very weird day. not at all like i expected it to be. instead of hyper, excited, go go go tamara... i turned into slow, fatigued, bored, unmotivated tamara. whether it was my aching arm, my disappointing pay check, getting verbally attacked for no reason, or pms... something made my whole afternoon pretty crappy. deep down inside i am really excited for camp. my nerves probably got the best of me, resulting in nausea that lasted a few hours... no fun. it's been a very weird day, indeed. 

but now i feel better. still a bit tired, but ready to finish packing completely, finish my book (cross your fingers), and attempt to clean a little bit so that my room isn't a complete wreck when i return. yeah, we'll see about that last one. 

really though, i am looking forward to being up at camp this summer. being with bobby will be... wonderful. i won't have to the long distance summer i always have to do. and i'll be experiencing something that he loves. it'll bring us closer together, i'm sure of it. i think i'll have trouble calling him by his name though. you know, like in front of campers and staff. i'll be like, "hey baby... i mean... bobby..." 

my flight leaves at 5:30am tomorrow morning so i'm going to try and go to bed early tonight. not sure that'll happen, but i guess that means i should go finish everything i need to do! 

i'd rather be with you

i have a dead arm from the tetanus shot i got yesterday. i'm too responsible. i fought myself all week and still in the end made myself do the right thing. i guess that's a good thing... but now i'm not so happy about it. really i was just scared of the shot itself, but now i take back my nonchalance about the aching sore arm that happens for days after. just gotta suck it up and be a big girl. 

it's my last day here for two months. i'll be at camp up in massachusetts.. crazy, i know! i wanted to do something different, something new and so here i go. almost ready for 6am mornings and hard mattresses. answering phones, and announcing schedules. enjoying the company of little kids and inevitably dealing with bratty 13 year girls who think they are hot. i'll miss my family. i probably won't miss my mom constantly taking about canap, or my dad's "playful" violence that actually hurts, or sharayah's constant inquiries as to my whereabouts. but i will miss all the rest of my family dynamic. 

"boston" by augustana just played on pandora and it makes me smile because that's where i'm headed tomorrow. i have to finish packing (which is going to be a miracle if i can fit everything i want to bring) and finish reading 'angels & demons' by dan brown today. doesn't seem like much, but i'm sure at the end of the day i'll wonder where the time went. time really does fly.. i hope i have enough energy to keep up with the pace of camp. i don't know exactly what to expect.. but that's half the fun, right? 

and when i see you, i really see you upside down

i've decided that maybe the reason no one likes to read my blog is because, one--they don't know about it, two--even if they knew about it, they wouldn't be interested, three--all the kissing scared them off. so here's my solution.. tadah!

besides that, i leave for camp in five days! very exciting, but i'm oh so apprehensive. i'm going to miss being lazy and having nothing to do all day. but on the plus side i'll be with my man and be getting paid for doing stuff that i believe will be extremely easy to do. i hope camp gives me awesome stories to tell, especially on this blog that no one reads. 

cheers.

smile silent, its all implied

so this is probably the only political post you'll get from me... at least in the next year.. or five. i'm not one to care about politics, but apparently i get pretty opinionated when i'm pmsing. so here's my two cents on recent happenings. 

president obama made a speech at georgetown university, where the white house asked the university to cover up words and symbols in the background because they wanted a uniform platform from which he's given other speeches at other locations. and yet... people are causing an uproar saying that he's "covering up christianity" and giving him crap about showing respect by bowing to a Saudi king. do people not see that obama is trying not to step on anyone's toes? he's trying to respect all religions. he showed his respect to the saudi king by bowing - i'm pretty sure he wasn't worshiping him by doing that. different cultures have different actions that show respect. and he's respecting christianity by covering up a symbol, so that ignorant people don't take it out of context in his speech. 

in his speeches he quotes the bible, and yes, maybe its taken out of context in the sense of building our economy on a rock and not sand but honestly.... christ taught those lessons because they are true and amazing. just because his metaphors are meant to be taken in the context of christ -- they also apply to other situations. like literally -- why would you build your house on sand? something that is easily moved, easily manipulated, easily blown away.... you wouldn't. you would build your house on a rock. something that is stable, secure. foundation -- it applies to many aspects of life -- so for obama to use it in context to our economy is in NO WAY taking it out of context in a harmful or disrespectful way. didn't christ give us these lessons so that we could apply them to all aspects of our lives? 

i just don't understand how people can get so offended by one little thing... and maybe i'm missing some big conspiracy but i honestly think that our president is trying to do the right thing. people are so narrow minded... they see what they want to see and it annoys me so much! just chill and don't let stuff like that bother you. seriously. 

it takes some work to make it work

i should have taken a shower.

its been rough trying to get back into a normal sleep schedule. spring break kept me up til 1 or 2 everynight with plenty of sleep in time. but now that school is back in session, those late nights are kicking my butt. i can wake up early, but it's hard... and then i get really sleepy around 1pm and then later again around 6pm.... but once the night rolls around and its time for bed, i'm wide awake. midnight is when i start to think maybe i should get some rest. i'm not even tired before that.

so last night around 1am, he texts me and surprise surprise, i'm not asleep yet. it's funny how we both just know... see, the things he wrote were full of vague ideas, that were anything but vague to me. and five minutes of texting, led to an hour of tossing and turning, trying to sleep but having my mind wide awake. whether it was what we had been talking about, or my horrible sleep schedule, or both -- in the end i fell asleep, only to miss my alarm -- completely NOT hear it, at all! - and wake up late... to a very sweet, good morning text, but to ten minutes til class. i hoped out of bed, a ran to the shower, only to undress, wrap the towel around me and come back to my room.

i skipped my morning shower. the words gross me out. because if you know me... you know, its bad. not like, i stink bad. i smell very good actually. berry kiss by victoria secret is amazing. no no, it's my hair. my greasy disgusting wash DAILY hair, that a recklessly pulled into a slick (ew) ponytail and high tailed it to class... only to sit down on the last computer in the back (which i actually perfer now, its cozy and gives more privacy) and wait... wait...

and i'm still waiting... for the teacher to look at my thumbnails for class. this is definitely a pointless class. and i skipped my shower for it. what was i thinking? definitely not worth it.

whatever we leave behind, there is piece of mind

well i didn't exactly burn them, but i did rip some pictures up and threw away the remnants of relationships of the past. for all the times i said i should... i finally did.. with him, or in front of him. i think that's what i was waiting for. to show him proof that those old pieces of junk don't matter to me anymore. yes, i've kept them for so long, because i keep everything. i showed him shoeboxes filled with notes from highschool from old friends, old pictures, old ticket stubs, old trinkets... and then i moved to the ex boxes. i began one by one, picking things up and discarding them. these things i used to cling onto... forcing good memories upon what ultimately was anything but good... and used them as a catalyst for backsliding when other options failed. but now, i see no need to keep the memory "alive" so to speak. yes, of course i'll always remember in my head, and sure i have journal entries scribbled out in bout of anger, or a wave of depression.. but as for the tangible evidence of relationships failed -- i think i'm much better off without them. i'm happy, really happy, right now. i know i have what i always wished those boxes could amount to.... i have true love that will last forever.

i'm permanent

i saw 'he's just not that into you' today... i think it brought up emotions that i'd rather lay to rest. from as far back as i can remember, i loved wallowing. maybe it was slightly masochistic, but i couldn't help feeling to the full extent any feeling that came my way. and even after it had seemingly left.... i'd relive the moments when i felt heartache, betrayal, jealousy, hurt.. the list goes on. as soon as the wound was healing, i'd rip out the stitches... reopen the wound... just to feel the pain because i could. because i wanted to feel, and feel deeply. maybe i'm looking to much into it, but i can't explain why i would overanalyze, replay memories until i felt sick to my stomach, recall stories that would bring me to tears... i thought, back then, that i was continually learning from my past. but really, i was enjoying the melancholy each bout of weeping inevitably would bring on. in a constant state of mourning for my love life, i played the victim out so well. i was never the hero. until... i changed my mind. 

i'm learning in abnormal psych (yes... abnormal...) about the different models of psychology. i've learned them before, but i never really thought about which one i believed more. i think they all have some truth to them, but i would never really rely solely on one theory. but as i study each one, i've realized that i most often relate to the cognitive theory. that a lot of abnormal functioning (or even normal functioning that isn't quite "Crazy" but borderline).. has to do with the way you think. i believe that you have the ability to control a lot about yourself if you just think differently. of course, i believe other factors may exist... but the mind is a very powerful thing.. and when i decided to change my way of thinking, about myself and about relationships in general.. i was sort of healed. 

it sounds ridiculous, but i used to WANT to be sad. i craved a lonely heart because it was all i knew how to feel. i had never experienced anything remotely good or healthy with a guy.. and so i relied on what i did know, and that was exaggerated heartache. until, like i said, i had had enough. with each failed attempt at a relationship (and i cringed because i've written that phrase far too many times in my life, no doubt referring back to these days in a devastatingly depressive blog about how i suck at love, all the while feeling comforted by my sorrow).. a part of me started thinking differently. each time, i'd realized something new. not in the sense that i didn't already know it before, but i had never lived it before. never realized that i had to really believe it and act upon that knowledge in order for it to mean anything at all. i could tell myself a hundred times that i deserved better, but i never did anything about it. i could say i shouldn't waste my time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on me, but if i never stopped wasting my time.. knowing that i should meant nothing. 

but something happened, something clicked. i changed my mind. i had to change my mind or else i'd forever be stuck in the same cycle, hurting and rejected and wondering what i did wrong. i changed my mind -- i wasn't going to do anything wrong. i was going to be upfront about what i wanted. i wasn't going to let myself be the victim. i wasn't going to chase after any guy. i wasn't going to settle. he was going to call. he was going to care. he was going to be there for me whenever i needed him. and in turn, i would do the same. and the minute i changed my mind, i met him. 

i don't know if that makes me the exception, but i'm just happy i changed my mind when i did. because, although i may not be perfect... i may still wallow in the past... and i may still cringe at the pictures of past boyfriend(ishs), but i still haven't deleted those pictures. somewhere inside me, i still have a tendency to want to feel those horrible feelings. but i push those tendencies far away, and they rarely, if ever, creep up... because the feelings i get to feel now, make me feel more alive than i've ever felt. 

in summary, i need to burn my shoeboxes.