have i told you lately that i love you?

i've been told that i'm slacking, in reference to writing on this blog, by the only person who reads it. and so, although i don't have a particular subject to write about.. i guess i'll just jump around to and from random topics in hopes that this will suffice. 

in just a week i'll be going up to boston for the holidays. spending christmas and new years with him and his family, its kind of a big deal. i'm excited but i will miss being at home with my family too. and this makes me think of the future, how hard it is that our families live forever far apart? eventually we'll have to make a decision to live here or there and one of our families will have to deal with the distance. i already understand leaving family -- we left michigan and move to tennessee where we knew no one. and it's hard to be so far away from family, whether its extended or immediate. so, like i said, one day a decision will have to be made and although right now is not the time.. it's hard to say i'd be able to leave my friends and family. but then if i couldn't, how could i ask him to? its true that love is a sacrifice.. give and take.. but how to figure out if its fair when it comes to major life decisions. well, i supposed i've got a few more years to figure it out, huh? 

well, i've gotten bored writing... which means you've probably gotten bored reading and so i'll end the boredom now.

i can feel my heartbeat taking me down, and for the moment i would sleep alright

i used to be afraid of confrontation. well, scratch that, i still am. but now.. i can face my fear. although i still get quiet and am slow to speak my mind in certain situations, attempting to minimize any drama, when the times comes and something needs to be said - i'll say it. thank goodness my friends and family understand that about me. recent arguments have given me some good insights, which in that case, have served its purpose nicely. the whole point in getting mad or sad or frustrated or hurt, and talking about it, is to figure out a solution to whatever that particular problem is. 

in my case, i was hurt. i felt unimportant and uncared for by my friends. i broke down in tears on steph's bed and used half a box of kleenex trying to explain why i felt the way i did. i thought i had done a good job not playing the blame game or attacking anyone. but it took steph pointing out that by not playing the blame game, i failed to see that i had equal blame in the matter. i was just as bad as what i said was bothering me. the phone, a text, myspace, even making plans, and most of all a friendship in general... works two ways. and there i had been, making myself out to be the victim in this whole deal. i failed to see that i was doing exactly what my friends were (or weren't for that matter). and in the end, we both were, and weren't to blame. 

its easy to blind yourself by your own anger or hurt. its easy to make things about you and no one else and fail to notice the effort of others. i'm just glad i have my cold hearted best friend to call me out on my contradictions. she would normally give up on someone by now, but she loves me and wants me in her life. she said that in similar words that made me cry more. i couldn't ask for a more amazing best friend. 

and i don't -- but i've been blessed to have another one or two or three of them. my hispanic twin came to visit me this weekend. it's been a year since i've seen her and i was pleasantly surprised to see how much we've changed but when it comes down to it, we say the same things at the same times and laugh at how we are like the same person, even though its been so long since we've been around each other. two days was not long enough to be with her.. but it was wonderful to catch up! 

and when it all boils down to it... i have something that i've longed for all my life. everyday i thank god that he's in my life. i honestly could not imagine my life now without him. i love my baby austen! who did you think i was talking about?

ooooh, my completely amazing boyfriend? the one who stayed by my side in the hospital. the one who helped me get better by waiting on me hand and foot. the one who i've been with for a year and counting and have absolutely loved every minute of it. the one who knows when to speak up, knows when to back down, knows when to support me, knows when to give space, knows how to behave, and how to act up, knows how to show he loves and cares for me, and knows exactly what to do in every situation, good or bad. 

the other day i was with a group of friends, and i imagined what it would be like if nothing romantic had developed between us. it was weird though, because i felt like we'd be best friends even if he hadn't kissed me under the stars that one night, or asked me to be official on the swingy red thing on the playground. we have such a good, stable, solid foundation... i don't see it ever crumbling. aw, you thought i'd actually have a post without mentioning the greatness of my relationship? nope.. can't do it! it's too good not to brag about. 

who's gonna take the call, when you find out that the road is painted on the wall

even though these past few days have still been stressful, i feel much better. i'm running around, being productive, getting what needs to be done, done. and in the end, i'll feel relieved, i'm sure of it. but the end will never come.. sure, there will be breaks, some down time, vacations.. but you really never stop running around. life doesn't stop. there will always be bills to pay, laundry to wash, jobs to do. it's a bit depressing if you think about it, unless, however, you can imagine those bills, that laundry, in other words, life in general... with someone. a significant other. as independent as i have been forced to be (ie previous horrible non existent relationships), now i can't imagine my life without Bobby. knowing that i'll be able to tell him all the boring or exciting details at the end of my day, is such a comforting thought. i think that's all we really want. someone, anyone to care about us. to listen and actually hear what we have to say. to agree with our skepticism, to argue the other side for no reason, to laugh at our weird laugh, to hold us when we're having an awful day and to kiss us when there are no words left to say. 

do me a favor baby don't reply, cause i can dish it out but i can't take it

something about today.. it's been horrible. constantly irritated and nearly on the brink of tears, at times i felt so frustrated at not only what was bothering me, but just the fact that i was letting it bother me. and it wasn't just one thing. i could list off all the things that made my heavy sighs a bit heavier. and although there were a few positive things... at the end of the day, it feels like the negatives tipped the scale. it was so bad that i didn't even get to tell bobby my good news. and i still haven't. and that in itself brings me to tears -- i'm such a girl. just knowing that i've been in such a terrible mood, that i haven't even told my boyfriend the really awesome thing that happened today (which i'm purposely not stating because he'll probably read this before i get a chance to tell him and how dumb would it be if he found out on my blog? very.) makes me so upset.. upset that i've let myself have such a horrible day -- and for no good reason. i just let things get to me. i'm stressed out and therefore my patience and tolerance have lower a little bit... as i'm sure happens to all of us. but the weird thing is, i don't get stressed out much. but something about running around all day, going to the dentist (ick) and having to make an appointment to get two cavities refilled, and waiting alone in taco bell for 20 minutes, and realizing that my life is so far from the lives of my friends to the point where i feel left out, and letting the tiniest things get to me because i'm stressed out about school and projects and all the things i have to do. i'm not used to running around, i'm out of shape, i've lost my breath. and for some reason, i hear laughter. i hear "please, say it again tamara, just one more time... you're what now?" ".....busy." hahahahahahaha. and i hate that that phrase, conversation, redundant banter is even brought up in my mind. yes, i'm freaking busy. mock me some more please. and now i just realized why i was so defensive about mocking. and that seemed like forever when really it was hours ago that it happened. wow. i need to get some sleep... but i wanted to pass the time while i waited for the pearl harbor soundtrack to download. 6% left and i can sleep to pretty music. such a sad movie. i finally watched the ending tonight.. amazing.. 

at the end of the day, i realize that i just need to sleep and stop thinking and stop worrying and just let today go.... tomorrows a new day -- hopefully it will be better than today.

more than lights expose who you are

"why are you so defiant towards my friends?" i jokingly nudged him. 

"because they are defiant towards me." his eyes smiled, but his undertones didn't. the conversation turned, as it usually does, from lighthearted to serious in less than 60 seconds. 

"how so?" with my hand on my hip, i all but rolled my eyes at his accusation.

"they are always asking 'oh is BOBBY gonna be there?' and 'oh well i don't want it to be a COUPLE thing'" he was on defense, justifying his remarks with information that, although was correct, was also being twisted into something worse than what it actually was. i offered an explanation even though i didn't even need to. 

"hey, i would be the same way if i were single.. i would not want to be surrounded by couples on a camping trip. you have to be understanding baby." 

"i don't want to be the only one who is understanding." 

"you're not. i'm understanding too." 

the argument continued, escalated and deflated without a resolution until we broke our silence with harsh truths about smoothering and giving space and wording things in a way that isn't so accusatory. and when all was said and done, we were still ok. i still surprise myself sometimes. although its been close to a year with bobby, i can remember the person i was two, three, four years ago... (in true cliche form) as if it were yesterday. i allowed my voice to be unheard, not because others drowned me out, but because i never spoke up. too quiet, too shy. i had been rejected for such reasons, on more than one occasion. it was one of my character flaws. in a naturally peacemaker way, i wanted to subdue any conflict and if that meant not speaking my opinion... than so be it. i justified my unobtrusiveness by reasoning that i could see conflict from both sides - which is true - but i'd always side with the other side, if you will. 

after years of failed attempts at relationships, i realized that i was depriving myself of my own worth. it wasn't the guys that made me feel unworthy.. it was myself. yeah, i had self esteem. it was great even. but i never acted upon it. i was a self proclaimed martyr. the victim of "pisgah" boys and commitment phobic boys who didn't know what they wanted -- and while all that may be true, if i had just spoken up. just called them out on what they were doing, how they were treating me, a lot of heartache could have been saved. but i'm not one to have regrets. i've learned from these mistakes. and now... i just see how much i've changed. 

maybe it shouldn't still make me feel proud of myself for speaking up and saying exactly what's on my mind... but it does. you can't forget the person you once were, and maybe every now and then you need to pat yourself on the back for the positive changes you've made. and so, in my completely unnecessary reference to 2003 yearbook quotes, for every wrong, there is a right. the arguments and misunderstandings, whatever you choose to call them, don't scare me. they actually make me love him more. i'm not afraid of causing conflict anymore, although i still consider myself a peacemaker. i just know that we'll get through anything by just being honest to each other and most importantly to ourselves.  

you long for something more darling

why do i even write on this blog? i asked myself every so often. i stumbled upon bloggess.com and similiar other blogs and they get so many readers and comments... and granted they don't talk about their significant other in EVERY post and are a lot more witty than i am and have books published and so on and so forth... i still wish i could be as cool or popular. i think two people read this. bobby and steph. i could branch out.. i could write about more interesting things. i could make the layout more inviting.. more dynamic... but i'm too lazy and haven't learned dreamweaver.... yet. 

so here's my resolution (4 months early) -- i will keep up with this and just write about whatever i feel like. but right now, i've got nothin. sigh.

alas, maybe tomorrow. 

je t'aime plus qu'hier moins que demain

what can i say about my third trip up to boston? instead of boring you with all the little details, i'll just mention the overall feeling i got while up there. home. lyrics from "feels like home" resound in my head as i simply state that being with bobby.... anywhere.. feels like home. i feel comfort, security, love. he spoils me rotten and i feel undeserving at times. 10 months and it feels like a lifetime that i've been with him. how time flies when we're together, yet at moments it feel like its going in slow motion. but one thing is for sure, we are always moving forward. this summer was good for us. we grew together, even though we were so far apart. phone calls everyday were never viewed as clingy or needy -- to us, they prove how much we both care for each other and how important communication is for us. and now the summer is ending and he'll be back on friday. i couldn't be happier! i love him more and more each day... (i love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow).

doll i need to see you pull your knee socks up

bachelorette parties are always fun. especially when you get to dress up in sexy costumes. as you can see, i was a sexy school girl -- typical, i know. besides hardly being able to be call friends with the bribe to be, having liquor that no one took advantage of, seeing not one--but two horrible strippers attempt to be sexy and fail miserably, constantly pulling my knee socks up because i have no thighs and i didn't have a garter belt until the end of the night, and redoing my left pony tail more times than i can count because it kept getting loose.... the night was pretty great. the whole sexy costumes was a great idea because it gave everyone an ego boost, and by everyone i mean me (i don't know how the others felt really). it made me feel really sexy and confident.... and a little bit slutty. me and steph, we put the "whore" in horrible. all night we made many lesbian references, which hasn't happened in quite some time. i didn't realize how much i missed the "wild legendary". oh gag, i just remembered who originated that saying. which reminds me... i called baby austen "stains" today---which i've always refused to do---but for good reason. he actually did have poop stains on his bottom, poor baby.  

oh my darling, when you smile it is like a song and i can hear it now

i get quiet when something upsets me and he can instantly pick up on it. he knows the difference between the good and bad silence. and when its bad, without fail his first words are "uh-oh." our arguments all boil down to the same basis. although there are many facets, they stem from the same source. the root of the problem, in question form, is "how do you show someone you care without coming across as overbearing, overprotective or downright manipulative?" after an hour of explanations (on both parts), silence, understanding and forgiveness, we came to the conclusion that showing you care is a unique balance of affection and implication. some things just should not be said, but rather implied.

"okay, so you know i love you and you know i miss you. maybe i should just let that be implied..." he said in all seriousness. 

my future life flashed before my eyes. i'm 40 something, taking care of the kids, feeling neglected by my husband because he never says he loves me anymore. "its implied" he rolls his eyes when i confront him about it and rolls the issue off his shoulders. then i realize it all started from THIS argument. and i'm pulled back into reality, where i quickly let my cold silence be interrupted by a somewhat fearful chuckle.

"no i don't agree with that." i quickly said. "you should never stop telling me you love and miss me. EVER."

"good cause i don't plan on it.." he sighed with relief.

"but, the fact that you don't like that you won't talk to me saturday night because i'll be with my girlfriends... that's implied. you don't need to tell me that, because i already know. and when you say it, it just makes me feel guilty and then resentful because i rarely get to hang out with them in the first place." 

"ok, i can do that." 

we all have much to learn about love... it is too great to fully comprehend. but when it comes down to these little arguments, discussions if you will, i feel like we get that much closer to understanding what it means to love unconditionally, and show how much we care in a way that doesn't hinder its meaning. 

worth the wait and out of my reach but i'm reaching out for you

nothing beats 2 minute phone calls at random throughout the day... oh wait, good morning and good night phone calls do. and i get them all. i was listening to my "all about it" mix -- which i'm not all about anymore (not the music, the concept or, well the person). the melodies reminded me of last summer... the lyrics spoke of my situation.

you. you were a friend. you were a friend of mine, i let you spend the night. you see it was my fault. of course it was mine. "i'm too hard at work." have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life? i'm sorry for wasting your time.

who am i to say this situation isn't great? when its my job to make the most of it. of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy. 

hey, what's that you say? you're not blaming me for anything. well that's great but i don't break that easy.  does it fade away? so that's why i'm apologizing now, for telling you i thought that we could make it. i just don't get enough to believe that. we've both changed. 

see who am i to say this situation isn't great? it is my time to make the most of it, of course i didn't know that it would happen to me. not that easy. if all along the fault is up for grabs, why can't you have it? if its for sale, what is your offer? i will sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely nothing.

neither one of us deserves the blame, because opportunities moved us away. its not an easy thing to learn to play a game thats made for two. thats you and me. the rules remain a mystery. see i was easy. 

so who am i to say this situation isn't great? well its our time to make the most of it, how could we ever know that this would happen to me. not that easy. when all along the fault is up for grabs, and there you have it. well its for sale, go make your offer. well i sell it for no less than what i bought it for. pay no more than absolutely zero.

to me, that summed it up. in one beautifully heartbreaking hopeful song. a memory flashed in my head. cracker barrel. a decision. his eyes looked for acceptance... a simple "yes" would seal the deal. would we still talk over the summer? and when i say talk, let it be known that the term "talk" is synonymous with "date" - not to be confused with "exclusively". it was "talking" with the intentions of getting into a relationship later on. 

i knew it was coming. this decision. i hadn't expected to meet a guy that was interested in me as much as i was interested in him, within the last 2 weeks of school. i hadn't expected to get to know him so fast. to feel so close to a new acquaintance in such a short amount of time. but i did. and now i was at a fork in the road, summer, and he was asking a very important question. was this the end? or the beginning? 

although, i don't think he saw it that way at all. i can't say for sure because i still don't understand him. but he was not the type of guy who think things through. he lived for the thrill of the moment, not stopping to think of the consequences. but i didn't realize that until everything fell apart. he was stuck in the moment, and anxiously awaited my decision. 

i've been here before. i thought to myself. summers don't work for me. they never have. 

all of sudden, driving in my car, thinking about this memory, i got horribly mad. my blood boiled with the idea that, like every other guy that knew about my past history with summers and jerks, he did the same thing that they did. he knew i was scared about summers. he knew i had been rejected not once, not twice, but three times before -- all of which were during the summer. he knew all of this. and yet he sat there eagerly awaiting the words "yes" so that... what? so that he could do the same thing as every other guy. 

how could i have let myself say yes? i knew summers never worked for me. how could i have trusted him? i started kicking myself for letting it happen. for saying yes. but then, i remembered the rest of my thought process. but who's to say this summer will be the same? what if its different?

what if's -- they'll getcha. and just like that, i remembered something that i had temporarily forgotten in my fit of remembrance rage; love is a risk. i thought about it some more and changed the outcome in my head. had i said "no", i would have always wondered "what if" and it would have driven me crazy. i would have blamed myself for ruining something that could have been great. 

so really, who am i to say this situation isn't great? i identified with the song 100% and realized that i never have to wonder "what if" because i already know. if i said "yes" it ends. if i said "no" it ends. and somehow that is a very comforting thought.

i found myself at a similiar crossroad just a few months back. except i had been dating bobby for 6 months and we had no intentions of breaking up... ever. our relationship was (and is still) secure. yet, my fear of summer's finalization of anything remotely related to a relationship made me insecure. but there was never a decision that needed to be made with us. we had already made that decision a long time ago. we were together. for good. no summer would tear us apart, however difficult it may be to be so far apart distance wise. and although a few times i felt my barriers building up, i just as quickly broke them down because i knew... love is a risk. in every sense. 

there is one more month left of summer and i don't feel like its been summer at all. see, i've always associated said season with feelings of loneliness and longing and confusion and anger and inner turmoil. my love life was always a roller coaster that i loved and hated and just couldn't seem to get off of. but this summer all i've felt is consistency, security, happiness, love. of course i miss him like nothing else, but, as cheesy as it sounds, he's just as close to me now 1,000 miles away as he is in person, because he is and will always be in my heart. 

humble, but you're greedy

they are trying to make me grow up. be independent. pay bills. their bills. which are really my bills. i couldn't handle a credit card of my own -- since i obviously can't handle theirs. on my trip to boston my mom offered me her brand new credit card. i took it, "for emergencies".. ya know... fashion ones. now i would understand if we were poor. but we're not. my parents have enough money to get along just fine and then some. and i can't help it if i like to help myself to that and then some part. but apparently vise sends bills in the mail with every purchase made and so, store by store, a list of transactions i acquired in boston.... and back home.... has totaled up to around 400 or so. give or take. i feel like a failure. i feel broke and unable to handle finances. and although i know my parents are only trying to make me understand that i can't just rely on them for everything.... i still want to know why i can't rely on them for everything? i'm still living with them! i should reap the benefits of that. but alas... i don't. all i get in shelter, a car, and some food here and there. and i do realize i'm being ridiculous by saying this but... it just frustrates me so much to be in debt (even though they aren't keeping track..) i just wanted to stop owing money so i can save up my own. and that's why i'm in debt in the first place!! it goes like this. i don't have enough money for something. i borrow their money with every intention of paying them back. but as i'm paying them back, it means i don't have money for something else, and then i borrow more money... and la de da it goes on and on... until i'm accumulated lots of debt that i can't get out of. at least its just my parents and not an actual credit card agency. because that would not be good. at all. and its still not good right now.. so... ugh.............. #$%%$&^%^&%tjdfsklfjW#$%^ERGjsdfocighjw ;5l %$T:VGREW %W# $

you make it easier when life gets hard

its just one of those things that makes me want to go hide in a corner. showing people my art. it's thrilling and scary at the same time. because i want to get that approval, that "job well done", i need that acceptance of my creativity. sure i get it on the occasional project. here and there. but when i do, it doesn't boost my confidence. it makes me scared that the next thing i do won't be as good. that i've reached my peek and that one project was the last good thing i'll ever do. i do realize this is being slightly overly dramatic, but hello, have you checked out the name of this blog? exactly.

so, though i have tough skin, i hate criticism. i loath showing my dad any project i've done, for fear of his inevitable "but" -- you know, "looks good kiddo... but.... you could change this.." i don't want to know what could be better. i want acceptance. i want good job. PERIOD. and on the other hand, i hate fake reactions. i hate when people see something you've done and get that fake plastered on smile. "oh, that's.. really... good.." now imagine all that pressure, to make something perfect and aesthetic.... and he wonders why i've put off making him anything. HMMMM.

well i guess its my own insecurity. i need to work on confidence in my art. cause goodness knows i have confidence in myself. but art is seriously liking pouring your heart out onto a canvas (or computer.. haha) and allowing the world to see you through your art. and if its hideous... then what? if people hate it, it makes you feel like they think you aren't good enough or talented enough or something enough. it's hard but i guess that's what i've got to deal with being an artiste. ha. yeah. 

Lucky to have been where I have been

Boston. 

"This feels weird." I kid you not, those were the first words out of my mouth after kissing and embracing my boyfriend in the airport as I approached the baggage claim. 

"What do you mean?" He sounded concerned. Who wouldn't though? Weird has a negative connotation to it in general. I didn't mean anything negative by it though. I meant, I wasn't expecting the feeling that I felt... unexpected and new, like a first. But it wasn't a first. It was my second time in Boston and I had had numerous kisses and hugs before from him. 

I guess what it was, was that I wasn't bracing myself for such intimacy. I knew I was visiting my boyfriend, who I missed and couldn't wait to see. But for some reason, I forgot about how it felt to kiss him. To hold his hand in mine. To be by his side and be completely comfortable. So when I saw him and he immediately gave me a kiss, it took me by surprise -- like a first kiss. When you don't know how it feels, or what to do with your tongue, or which way to turn your head. I was taken off guard and the instant thought associated with it was "weird". True, it might not have been the best word to use... but I explained myself and continued on with our disgusting PDA that lasted all week and a half. 

I can't recall each moment down to exact detail (what a suprock! are you shartled?).. however, I can tell you, in bullet form, the events that happened and some interesting* details about each. 

-- Blue Man Group --> First of all. They scare me. Their blue faces and wide-opened eyes. However, the show was very good. It was weird (and I'm using this word in the right context this time), and very artistic/abstract/outside the box. All three of the blue men got off stage at one point, trying to find someone to go up with them (even though it was so obvious that they had already picked someone ahead of time, and she pretended to be surprised and did a horrible job of it).. in their search, they stopped right next to Bobby and me. I looked away in fear because I was scared if I stared directly in their eyes they'd attack me. They noticed that I wouldn't look them in the eyes and starting staring at me even more and got closer and closer just looking at me. Nervous laughs and blushing ensued. They got bored and walked away, choosing the other girl who was boring and no fun on stage. I would have been more fun. Although I might have cried.  

-- Six Flags --> We went on a slightly chilly day, in the middle of the week, so that meant--no lines! We rode roller coasters and enjoyed ourselves. Lots of unashamed PDA and pictures. 4 hours later we were tuckered out so we headed back home. We decided we were going to stop in Framingham to eat at Olive Garden and possibly go to the new mall. "Ya know what I just realized," Bobby said to me in the car. "Melinda lives in this town." FUN. We joked around about calling her and meeting up. The final decision was an almost laughable, hell no. But what should happen merely seconds later? Melinda texts Bobby. He mentions we are close by (way to go hunny), she suggests meeting up, Bobby flips out. Really? I get pissed that he flips out. I tell him my reasons for being so upset. The whole "softspot" concept. If you don't know what that is, ask me, I'll share. But not now. Anyways, I tell him like it is.. he gets upset but handles it fine. We talk about it. Work through it. Eat at Olive Garden and end up going to the...

-- Natick Mall --> It was a shoppers heaven. New, huge, beautiful, full of high end stores and stores for regular people too. We walked into Tiffany's (I had never been in one before) and looked at all the jewelry that was so expensive it wasn't even priced. The sales lady insisted on having me try on a ring. I declined. I didn't want to put Bobby in an awkward position. I was trying to be considerate. But the lady kept on insisting and finally I was helpless to resist her offers. I tried on a $10 grand square-cut diamond engagement ring, and fell in love. It was beautiful. I found out my ring size is probably 5 1/2 -- which makes me feel alot better about my fat fingers no longer being fat! After that I got a few things at Express and miraculously found my "J'aime de Soleil" bathing suit at Victoria's Secret! Needless to say, it was one of the best mall experiences, ever.  

----

So I'm boring myself and I'm the one who's WRITING this. That's a good time to stop, right? I'll end on this note... there were a few motorcycles rides, many mornings of Dunkin' Donuts bagels and cream cheese, late nights, 9:30 mornings, walks on the beach, celtics games on tv and so much more.  The End.

*subject to change with different opinions and/or definitions of the word interesting.  

when you're gone, will i lose control?

i'm back from boston and although i tossed and turned last night, waking up at every hour, only to switch to another uncomfortable position and have another strange dream, i find myself now at home, tired from a full day of traveling, sitting at my computer instead of sleeping in my marshmallow bed. i'm comforted by all my familiar surroundings, relieved to be back to my own mess, my own clutter, my own life. not to say that i was unhappy in boston, that would be so far from the true. i enjoyed myself immensely. i felt at home, very comfortable and welcomed up there. no longer was i intimidated or shy around his family, although i was still quiet because let's face it, i'm always going to be a quiet person. it felt good to feel so comfortable there. but at the end of 9 days i was ready to be home, with my family, my pets, my familiar surroundings. 

i finished augusten burroughs' "possible side effects" which was very good. contrary to popular belief, i DO enjoy books that i don't relate to. i might have said such a comment in the past, but i've changed since then. which is actually one of my most irritating pet peeves... the way a person who doesn't acknowledge that you've changed, treats you like you are the "old" you. everyone changes, matures, learns, grows into themselves and gains wisdom and experience... but often times, others around them fail to see that change (because usually that change occurs within, not externally) and those people continue to treat the other as though they haven't changed at all. you can't blame them.. but it gets annoying. because as much as you say "yeah, i know" - that person will still tell you things like its the first time you've heard it. i know that is completely off the subject but.. just thought i'd through that out there. 

it's almost midnight. sleep is now a necessity for my eyes cannot stay open much longer. i'll write more about my trip later. if i feel like it that is. we'll see. goodnight.

i'll be the one to keep you one disaster less

maybe in ten years i'll be one a book tour promoting my new and much anticipated novel, most likely filled with silly anecdotes about my pathetic life. i read stephanie klein's blog all the time. due to her most recent post, i discovered jen lancaster's blog and realized that as much as i dream of being a fancy shmancy graphic designer (which is totally going to rock, don't get me wrong), i want to be an author and always have. i mean, i was writing since second grade. i remember writing short stories and asking the teacher if i could read them in front of the class. how is it that i had balls back when i was a kid but now you wouldn't find me dead offering to read a group of people my writing. of course there are the few individuals who get the privilege of reading "my book"... but, 75 pages in and i've lost my drive. i started it last summer and have since reached a point where i don't even care to recall events that happened back then. it's gotten to the point where i just want to get through it and not go into details, but that's exactly why i wanted to write it in the first place... to go into incredibly witty sarcastic details about the ridiculous relationships i found myself in for the past few years. and now that i write this, it actually makes me want to keep working on it.. maybe i will. 

besides that, i'm continually surprised at me and bobby's ability to get through.. um.. anything. 3 am phone calls and 3 emails later we somehow managed to get through a confusing night where we were both in complete emotional turmoil for absolutely no reason. and we come out stronger. and it surprises me because i'm so used to those situations where i have no clue whats going on and the next thing i know, the boy (not man) decides he "can't handle school and a relationship" or is "gonna be too busy this summer"... yeah.. i was bracing myself for the worst because that's what i'm used to. i do realize how pathetic that sounds, but it's true. after a string of failed relationships.. you are naturally going to be skeptic of the one that finally works out. and it just amazes me how different bobby is... how we can get through things because, oh my gosh, we love each other and that's what love is. working through things because you don't want to hurt the other person and you just want to make them happy. or something like that. and i think we both do a pretty damn good job of making each other happy.  

give me your forever and not a day less will do

two years ago today, i wrote a list without really thinking about it. and now that i look back and really think about it, bobby has every single quality i wrote down. i'm so amazed at how i found exactly what i was looking for. i feel so blessed to have him in my life. happy 7 months!

for every kiss you give me, i'll give you three

i'm getting used to the process of applying, interviewing and being rejected. two internships, close but no cigar. one job opportunity for next school year, just outta my reach. and here i sit on my computer waiting to hear from yet another employer about yet another internship. this summer will henceforth be known as the summer of never-ending internship interviewing. i can't say what the final outcome will be though. it seems like every other week i am introduced to a new possibility which is wonderful. kudos to SVAD for passing on valuable information via emails. so i emailed Unum and got a speedy reply (no seriously, less than 30 minutes) and now i'm waiting to hear from the man who's setting up interviews. the details? it's a full time, paid graphic design internship at Unum, working on marketing for "a Fortune 500 company". $13 or $14 an hour. 40 hours a week. i think it could be fun. designing flyers, ads, data sheets. working with a team of designers. i'd actually perfer this internship over the others. it sounds exciting and Unum is a well-known organization. but, as always, i'm not holding my breath because i'll probably just end up suffocating. see there's that pessimism creeping up!

one another note, a week and half and i'll be in boston! a week and it'll be 7 months (but who's counting) and i couldn't be happier. i really can't remember a time when i was happier. being with him is so easy and not stressful and absolutely no drama. i told him about what i wrote in my last blog and he literally was like "no big deal" and wasn't mad at my double standard, like, at all. and i pushed him.. "so it doesn't bother you that he's the one that texted me and invited me to go?!" i wanted him to know the whole story and then make his decision on whether or not he was upset. "are you trying to make me mad tamara?" he laughed at my persistence. "no... but.. wow.. i can't believe you aren't mad." i wasn't used to such understanding... wait.. maybe he didn't care about me enough to be mad... no. i get those silly little thoughts sometimes. "i think its just cute that you felt bad all day over something you thought would make me upset, but it didn't and it doesn't" -- he's wonderful. so incredibly wonderful.

love, bring me the head of jealousy

double standard. let's just throw that out in the open. why is it okay for me to spend time with an ex but not him? granted its not one on one time, it's a group thing, it still doesn't make it any better. i sat there in the car, head bent heavy from my conscience. i would be so upset if i were him. if he was with her, big group or not, the fact is he was with her. i'm not a perfect person, and today was proof of that imperfection. the ex texted me and i replied and it ended up in a cliff jumping escapade. first it was a car full of exes. and then we met up with the rest of the group and i felt slightly better knowing other people, to ease my guilt by being able to eventually name drop other people besides the ex. somehow in my head it makes it sound better. "oh yeah, so and so was there, and so and so, and so and so, oh.. and the ex.." yeah, like he wasn't the one to invite me, and i wasn't the one to say okay, and we didn't met up and ride together... and the only reason i really feel guilty is because i know my boyfriend is going to be jealous. and he has every right to be. and i'm a double standard. because there's absolutely no way i wouldn't be upset if he hung out with his ex. even if it was a big group.  i haven't told him yet, but i plan on it. i just feel bad. and its so difficult now that my ex is like two degrees away from me.... and his circle of friends is suddenly sort of my circle of friends.. what am i supposed to do all summer? i have no intention of being alone with my ex. in a room. with music and booze. because been there, done that and i vowed a year ago that that would never happen again. i'd rather [insert some horribly painful event here] happen then to ever be close to him again. and plus, i'm so completely devoted and in love with bobby that there's no desire to be with any one else. it's just difficult to be friends with an ex, when you have a boyfriend. and that's what i am used to. i always stay good friends with my exes (or psuedo-exes in casanova's case) and i've never really had a problem because i've always been single.. but now i have bobby's feelings to consider and they are worth so much more than a day at soddy daisy with old jokes and guilt. so i tell him and then promise not to have a double standard? or promise not to hang out with the ex anymore? or what? it's not that simple really... if i want to have a life, the ex has somehow tangled himself up in it, unintentionally i know, but he's still there -- friends with my sister's boyfriend and his friends. and sure i could never hang out with them... but... i'm extremely close to my sisters and hang out with them all the time. these all sound like excuses. i know. ugh, i hate exes. period.

all that we said won't be lost into the dawn

i got paid early because the farrows are going on a mini-vay-cay to dollywood today and tomorrow... which means, my paycheck was small. but i'm okay with that, ya wanna know why? because my coach purse has 2 bids on ebay! considering i didn't pay a cent for it... anything i get for it will be a welcome amount and right now $72 is looking like some good coin. i'm saving up for my boston trip (in less than two weeks!) my whole mindset during summers has always been save, save, save! but the last summer i only worked at the farrows and didn't get a second job and about went crazy with nothing to do. well that's not entirely true. i enjoyed laying out at the pool, being lazy, eating el meson chips and queso, drinking dr. pepper, having girls nights at the apt, playing poker, watching movies, going on roadtrips with steph.... okay, so not having a second job wouldn't be the end of the world or anything -- but i just think about how much money i could be making (and spending on gas... hmm) with a second job. plus, it'll pass the time AND get me discounts off of my favorite brand of clothing. yes, american eagle. my dilemma is which store to work at? hamilton dismissed me without a second thought last time, and cleveland is further away but will probably be more likely to hire me and steph works there. i should just buck up and apply. who's it gonna hurt? certainly not me. maybe my wallet... because driving out there could possibly empty my pockets rather than fill them... or maybe i'll break even.. which including the discounts would be better than nothing i suppose. oh and just a little update, interviewing for anything related to graphic design was a waste of my time. i'm not "experienced enough" and therefore places won't hire me to get the experience i need. go figure. the marketing position was filled but not by me.. so.. good riddance! to that. i'll spend my days writing about my life, and maybe that'll take me somewhere. i really do wonder if writing is what i should be doing. you may be reading this and thinking, seriously? she thinks this is good?? well, not this particularly. but i've written some funny stuff about my love life. in my infamous book. that i'm still writing. about all the guys in my life who are jerks. it's long and has no point other than to show how pathetic i was before realizing that i was worth more than how those boys made me feel. so maybe that's the direction of my book. i don't know.. i'm still writing it. one day the world will read it and love it... hopefully.

i miss you more than i should

"i was just talking about you!"
"oh really? to who and what were you saying?"
"i was talking to steph and telling her how much i miss you.. and how hard this summer is.."
"... it's been two days."

i'm blaming pms for my incredibly strong emotions the past.... well i'd like to say 2 weeks, but i'll go with the probable number of 4 days. constantly on the verge of tears, i've had this overwhelming feeling of loss. even though i'm going to boston at the end of this month, i still worry myself with what will happen after the 30th. he'll be gone to camp and in his own words, won't really have time to think about me. (except for in the morning and at night, which covers his behind because if he flat out said he basically wasn't going to miss me for 2 and a half months i would have had a few choice words with him.... mostly muffled by my inevitable sobs..) so yeah, that kind of hurt. because i know its kind of true. guys and girls are different. guys can take their mind off of things by occupying their thoughts with sports or food or whatever else they choose. girls... not so much. if we are thinking about something, that's ALL we can think about. at least, i hope i'm not the only one who is consumed by her thoughts. but it all boils down to... even if i occupy every minute of everyday... i'm still going to think of nothing but him... what's he doing.. when will i hear from him next.. i'm pathetic. i know. but apparently in my case, pathetic is synonymous with being in love. sigh. what can i do?

cross your heart and hold fast hope

officially i have one more day with him. which will be more like an evening with him since he has a busy morning and has to go to work in the afternoon. i'm looking for plane tickets, that i can't even afford right now. where does all my money go? presents. food. movies. and now that he's about to leave, it's going to be sucked up by gas. oy.

i still have yet to hear from true north and from the marketing position. yes or no. it's simple. just let me know already. i especially need an answer from true north seeing as that would be a summer internship. i'm not holding my breath though. i've learned to brace yourself for the worst. pessimistic, i know. but if there's one thing you'll learn about me, its as much as i am a hopeless romantic to the core, i'm very much a realist. a walking contradiction, if you please.

so as of the moment my summer looks... undecided. no definite plans, as of yet. and it's killing me to think of just sitting around waiting for something to happen with my boyfriend a thousand miles away.